Giggles

Marriage is Sharing

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The sharing of marriage the old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.



He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.



He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.



He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.



As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.



Obviously they were thinking, "That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them."



As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple.



The old man said, they were just fine they were used to sharingeverything people closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite.



She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them.



This time the old woman said "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything."



Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin,

the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked "What is it you are waiting for?"



She answered "THE TEETH."



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Contagious
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Voted Best Joke in Ireland 2006 .


A teacher asks her class to use the word "contagious".



Roland the teacher's pet, gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and my mum said it was contagious." "Well done, Roland," says the teacher.


"Can anyone else try?" Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious."
"Well done, Katie," says the teacher.



"Anyone else?"

Little Irish Sean jumps up and says in a broad Dublin accent, "Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a 2 inch brush, and my dad says it will take contagious."

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Why I fired my secretary

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Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well
waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast
hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!"
and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy Birthday." I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids.... They will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, "Good Morning Boss,
and by the way Happy Birthday ! "It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock , when Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know,
It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me."

I said, "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day.
Let's go !" We went to lunch.

But we didn't go where we normally would go.
She chose instead at a quite bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day...
We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We ?" I responded, "I guess not.

What do you have in mind ?" She said, "Let's drop by my apartment,
it's just around the corner."

After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said,
" Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom
for just a moment.

I'll be right back." "Ok." I nervously replied.
She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes,
she came out carrying a huge birthday cake ...

Followed by my wife,
my kids, and dozens of my friends
and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday".

And I just sat there... On the couch... Naked.

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" My 7 random facts"

1..I'm a real family person.

2..Play bowls.

3..Enjoy a joke.

4..Enjoy my friends.

5..Like a social drink.

6..Gradma of 16 +1 great g/child.

7..Just enjoy life in general.

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Now I tag Meow!!

"THE AFTER LIFE"

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and
inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife.
After a long and very happy life, the husband was the first to go, and
true to his word he made contact, "Wilma, Wilma ".

"Is that you, Fred?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, off round
the golf course, I have sex, I bathe in the sun, and then I have sex
twice.

I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty
much all afternoon.

After supper, golf course again. Then have sex until late at night.
The next day it starts again."

"Oh, Fred you surely must be in heaven."

"Not exactly, I'm a rabbit on a Golf Course."

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FORREST GUMP GOES TO HEAVEN

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The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven.
He is met at thePearlyGates,bySt. Peter himself.

However, the gates are closed, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper. St. Peter said, "Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you.

We have heard a lot about you I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven."

Forrest responds, "It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. I sure hope that the test ain't too hard. Life was a big enough test as it was."

St. Peter continued, "Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.

First:
What two days of the week begin with the letter T?

Second:
How many seconds are there in a year?

Third:
What is God's first name?"

Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and says, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over,
tell me your answers"

Forrest replied, "Well, the
first one -- which two days in the week begins with the letter "T"?
Shucks, that one is easy. That would be Today and Tomorrow."

The Saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, "Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit
for that answer.

How about the next one?" asked St. Peter.
"How many seconds in a year? Now that one is harder," replied Forrest, but I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve."

Astounded, St. Peter said, "Twelve?
Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds
in a year?" Forrest replied, "Shucks, there's
got to be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd... "

"Hold it," interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you are going with this, and I see your point,
though that was not quite what I had in mind....but I will have to give
you credit for that one, too.

Let us go on with the third and final question.
Can you tell me God's first name"?

"Sure," Forrest replied,
"it's Andy." "Andy?" exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St Peter.
"Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?"

"Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied. "I learnt it from the song,

"ANDYWALKS WITH ME,
ANDY TALKS WITH ME,
ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN."

St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates, and said: "Run Forrest, run."

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Give me a sense of humor, Lord.
Give me the ability to understand a clean joke,
To get some humor out of life,
And to pass it on to other folks.
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The sportsmans double.
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I pulled an older woman at a club last night.She was a right sort for 57, we drank a bit, had a bit of a snog & sheasked if I'd ever had the sportsman’s double, a mother and daughter 3 some?I said no.We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was my lucky night.I went back to her place.She put the hall light on & and shouted upstairs:
"Mum you still awake?"

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