"THE AFTER LIFE"

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and
inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife.
After a long and very happy life, the husband was the first to go, and
true to his word he made contact, "Wilma, Wilma ".

"Is that you, Fred?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, off round
the golf course, I have sex, I bathe in the sun, and then I have sex
twice.

I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty
much all afternoon.

After supper, golf course again. Then have sex until late at night.
The next day it starts again."

"Oh, Fred you surely must be in heaven."

"Not exactly, I'm a rabbit on a Golf Course."

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FORREST GUMP GOES TO HEAVEN

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The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven.
He is met at thePearlyGates,bySt. Peter himself.

However, the gates are closed, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper. St. Peter said, "Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you.

We have heard a lot about you I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven."

Forrest responds, "It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. I sure hope that the test ain't too hard. Life was a big enough test as it was."

St. Peter continued, "Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.

First:
What two days of the week begin with the letter T?

Second:
How many seconds are there in a year?

Third:
What is God's first name?"

Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and says, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over,
tell me your answers"

Forrest replied, "Well, the
first one -- which two days in the week begins with the letter "T"?
Shucks, that one is easy. That would be Today and Tomorrow."

The Saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, "Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit
for that answer.

How about the next one?" asked St. Peter.
"How many seconds in a year? Now that one is harder," replied Forrest, but I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve."

Astounded, St. Peter said, "Twelve?
Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds
in a year?" Forrest replied, "Shucks, there's
got to be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd... "

"Hold it," interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you are going with this, and I see your point,
though that was not quite what I had in mind....but I will have to give
you credit for that one, too.

Let us go on with the third and final question.
Can you tell me God's first name"?

"Sure," Forrest replied,
"it's Andy." "Andy?" exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St Peter.
"Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?"

"Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied. "I learnt it from the song,

"ANDYWALKS WITH ME,
ANDY TALKS WITH ME,
ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN."

St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates, and said: "Run Forrest, run."

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Give me a sense of humor, Lord.
Give me the ability to understand a clean joke,
To get some humor out of life,
And to pass it on to other folks.
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The sportsmans double.
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I pulled an older woman at a club last night.She was a right sort for 57, we drank a bit, had a bit of a snog & sheasked if I'd ever had the sportsman’s double, a mother and daughter 3 some?I said no.We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was my lucky night.I went back to her place.She put the hall light on & and shouted upstairs:
"Mum you still awake?"

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