Gwen's Den

Thursday, October 04, 2007


Italian Pregnancy

An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her
period for 2 months.

Very worried, the mother goes to the chemist and buys a
pregnancy kit.

The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "who was the pig that did
this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a
Ferrari stops in front of their house.

A mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and
tells them:

"Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't
marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge.

I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her

Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail
stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a
$4,000,000 bank account.

If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.
However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand
firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You try again."


Rude Customers

An award should go to the Virgin Airlines gate attendant in Sydney some weeks ago for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travellers.

Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS".

The attendant replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out.

" The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"

Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: "May I have your attention please, may I have your attention please," she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal.

"We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said, "F... You!" Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry sir, but you'll have to fly QANTAS for that service."



A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and
notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop
staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring. He replies: "I have a
question to ask, but I don't want to offend you" She answers, " My son, you cannot offend me.

Whenyou're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I
have, you get a chance to see and hear just about

I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do aboutthat - 1) You have to be single and 2) You must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"
"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driverstarts crying.

"My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?"

"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must
confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party".


A bloke walks into a bar in New Zealand and orders a shandy.All the Kiwis sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see anotherAustralian visitor.

The barman says, "You not from around here, hey bro?"The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada.

"The bartender says, "What do you do in Cenada?"The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender says, "A tixidermist? What the hick is a tixidermist? Doyou drive a tixi?"" No, a taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi.

I mount animals."The bartender grins and yells,He's okay boys. He's one of us hey."