"GROWING OLD"

How true is this.

BORN BEFORE 1986?According to today's regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who were kids in the 60's, 70's and early 80's probably shouldn't have survived, because our baby cots were covered with brightly coloured Lead-based paint which was promptly chewed and licked.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, or latches on doors or cabinets and it was fine to play with pans.
When we rode our bikes,we wore no helmets, just flip-flops and fluorescent 'spokey dokey's'on our wheels.

As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or airbags and riding in the passenger seat was a treat.
We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle and it tasted the same.
We ate chips, bread and butter pudding and drank fizzy juice with sugar in it, but we were never overweight because we were always outside playing.

We shared one drink with four friends, from one bottle or can and no-one actually died from this.We would spend hours building go-carts out of scraps and then went top speed down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes.

After running into stinging nettles a few times, we learned to solve the problem.We would leave home in the morning and could play all day, as long aswe were back before it got dark. No one was able to reach us and no one minded.
We did not have Playstations or X-Boxes, no video games at all. No 99 channels on TV, no videotape movies, no surround sound, no mobilephones, no personal computers, no DVDs, no Internet chatrooms.
We had friends - we went outside and found them. We played elastics and rounders, and sometimes that ball really hurt!
We fell out of trees, got cut, and broke bones but there were no law suits.

We played knock-the-door-run-away and were actually afraid of the owners catching us.We walked to friends' homes.
We also, believe it or not, WALKED to school; we didn't rely on mummy or daddy to drive us to school, which was just round the corner.

We made up games with sticks and tennis balls. We rode bikes in packs of 7 and wore our coats by only the hood.

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke a law was unheard of...they actually sided with the law.This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers and problem solvers and inventors, ever.

The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.
We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all.And you're one of them.
Congratulations!to others who have had the luck to grow as real kids,before lawyers and government regulated our lives, for "our own good".For those of you who aren't old enough, thought you might like to read about us.This my friends, is surprisingly frightening......and it might put a smile on your face:

The majority of students in universities today were born in 1986....
The Uptown Girl they know is by Westlife not Billy Joel.They have never heard of Rick Astley, Bananarama, Nena Cherry or Belinda Carlisle.
For them, there has always been only one Germany and one Vietnam.AIDS has existed since they were born.

CD's have existed since theywere born.Michael Jackson has always been white.To them John Travolta has always been round in shape and they can't imagine how this fat guy could be a god of dance.They believe that Charlie's Angels and Mission Impossible are films from last year.

They can never imagine life before computers. They'll never have pretended to be the A-Team, the Dukes of Hazzard or the Famous Five.They can't believe a black and white television ever existed.
And they will never understand how we could leave the house without a mobile phone.Now let's check if we're getting old...1. You understand what was written above and you smile.2. You need to sleep more, usually until the afternoon, after a night out.
3.Your friends are getting married/already married 4. You are always surprised to see small children playing comfortably with computers.5. When you see children with mobile phones, you shake your head.6. Having read this, you are thinking of forwarding it to some other friends because you think they will like it too...Yes, you're Getting old!!

"RETIREMENT PLAN"

RETIREMENT BONUS

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The American Navy found they had too many officers and decided
to offer an early retirement bonus.

They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch
measured in a straight line between any two points in his body.

The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes.

He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes.

He walked out with $96,000.

The third one was a noncommissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "From the
tip of my weenie to my testicles."

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two officers had received.

But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.

The medical off icer arrived and instructed the Chief to "drop 'em," which he did.

The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the
Chief's weenie and began to work back.

Dear Lord!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?" The old Chief calmly replied, "Vietnam."

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"THE IRISH"

" Two Irishmen"

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle.
They head to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, 'Dat's dem.
'The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.

'Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere, ' says Gerry.
The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.

Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of theConnor Pass.

At the Connor Pass , Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, 'Dis looks like a grand place.

' He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.
Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.

Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, 'Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me! 'THERE'S MORE. . .

Moment's later, Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass.
He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other.

'Hi, Paddy. Watch dis, ' Seamus says. He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free.
He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun.
Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot.

Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.
Paddy shakes his head and says, 'And I'm never trying dat parrot shooting either!

'IT IS NOT OVER YET. . .

Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears.
He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken.

Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.

Once more Paddy shakes his head. 'Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry withn his budgiejumping, den Seamus parrot shooting. . . and now Sean and his fook'n hengliding!'

"NEW YEAR STARTS"

"PEST CONTROL"
woman was having a passionate affair with
an inspector from a pest control company.

One afternoon they were

carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

"QUICK," said the woman to her lover,"into the closet!"and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious and a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet."Who are you?"he asked him.

"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,"said the exterminator.
"What are you doing in there?"the husband asked.

"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied.
"And where are your clothes?"asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said...."Those little b......s."

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"THE BROTHEL TRIP"

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night.

Surprised,she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
"I'm 90 years old," he says."90" replies the woman.

"Dont you realize you've had it?" "Oh, sorry," says the old man.
"How much do I owe you?"

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