Gwen's Den

Thursday, September 25, 2008


Two Old Gals

Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain.
One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Maude: What in the hell is that? Mabel: a condom this way my cigarette doesn't get wet. Maude: Where did you get it? Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms .
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.' The pharmacist fainted.


Tickle Me Elmo


There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys, the toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.

The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.

The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant.

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor.

When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stood Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.She had a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watched in amazement as she cut a little piece of fabric, wrapped it around two marbles and began to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager burst into laughter,after several minutes of hysterics he pulled himself together and approached Lena.

"I'm sorry," he said to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..." "Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.


Its all in a name!

The agent asked, "What's your name? the guy said, "My name is Penis Van Lesbian."

The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood,
you are going to have to change your name."

"I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old,
I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name Not ever."

The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years... you
will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian!

I'm telling you, you will HAVE to change your name or I will not be able to represent you."

"So be it! I guess we will not do business together" the guy said
and he left the agent's office.

FIVE YEARS LATER..... The agent opens an envelope sent to his
office inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000.

The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him $50,000? He reads
the letter enclosed...

"Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become
an actor in Hollywood, you told me I needed to change my name.

Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused you told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis Van Lesbian.

After I left your office, I thought about what you said I decided you were right
I had to change my name.
I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation.
Thank you for your advice..

**Dick Van Dyke**

Sunday, September 21, 2008


My friend and neighbour Paula, has just gone through surgery for a knee replacement. As I was involved with her travel to appointments and her delivery to the hospital on the day of her operation I feel it's o.k. for me to post.


Below the start, Paula about to leave for the trip to Wangaratta Hospital.

The day after her op looking pretty good.

The culprit her left knee

After 6 days in hospital she is finally home , still sore and in need of some T.L.C.

But as you can see she can still raise a smile.


Tuesday, September 02, 2008

"HA!! HA!! HA!!

As Promised Merle hope you enjoy
A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady 60 Miles per hour.

The wife is behind the wheel her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice.

'I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce.

' The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 65 mph.

The husband speaks again. 'I don't want you to try and talk me out of it,' He says, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a far better lover than you are.

Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 75 he pushes his luck.

'I want the house,' he says insistently.. Up to 80. 'I want the car, too,' he continues. 85 mph. 'And,' he says, 'I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!'

The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge.

This makes him nervous, so he asks her, 'Isn't there anything you want?' The wife at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice.

'No, I've got everything I need,' she says.'Oh, really,' he inquires, 'so what have you got?' Just before they slam into the wall at 85 Mph, the wife turns to him and smiles. 'The airbag.'


Some just don't get it

Jacqueline and her husband Marc went for counselling after 25 years of marriage.

When asked what the problem was, Jacqueline went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking Jacqueline to stand, unbuttoned her blouse, embraced her, put his hands on her breasts, and kissed her passionately as her husband Marc watched with a raised eyebrow.

Jacqueline shut up, buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down as though in a daze.
The therapist turned to Marc and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?'

Marc thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf.'


A cabbie picks up a Nun.

She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: 'I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.'

She answers,
'My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'

'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'

She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do about that:

#1, you have to be single and

#2, you must be Catholic.'

The cab driver is very excited and says,
'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!'

'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'

The nun fulfils his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
'My dear child,' says the nun, 'why are you crying?'

'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish.'

The nun says, 'That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a fancy dress party.'

The Sensitive Man:

The Sensitive Man A woman meets a man in a bar.
They talk; they connect; they endup leaving together.

They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment,notices that one wall of hisbedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet,cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute,cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall!

It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.

There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.

She found it strange for anobviously masculine guy to have such a large collection ofTeddy Bears, She is quite impressed by his sensitive side. but doesn't mention this to him.

They share a bottle of wine andcontinue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking, 'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father of my children?'

She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips he responds warmly, theycontinue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other'sclothes and make hot, steamy love.

She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.

After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy,they are lying there together in the afterglow.

The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly,'Well,how was it?' The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says: 'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf.'

Poor Paddy!


Mick met Paddy in the street and said, 'Paddy, will you draw your
curtains before making love to your wife in future?'

Why?' Paddy asked.'Because,' said Mick,' the entire street was laughing when
they saw you making love yesterday.'

'Silly buggers,' says Paddy, the laugh's on them. I wasn't home yesterday.'