Gwen's Den

Tuesday, September 02, 2008

"HA!! HA!! HA!!

As Promised Merle hope you enjoy
*************
I WANT A DIVORCE...
A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady 60 Miles per hour.

The wife is behind the wheel her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice.

'I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce.

' The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 65 mph.

The husband speaks again. 'I don't want you to try and talk me out of it,' He says, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a far better lover than you are.

Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 75 he pushes his luck.

'I want the house,' he says insistently.. Up to 80. 'I want the car, too,' he continues. 85 mph. 'And,' he says, 'I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!'

The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge.

This makes him nervous, so he asks her, 'Isn't there anything you want?' The wife at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice.

'No, I've got everything I need,' she says.'Oh, really,' he inquires, 'so what have you got?' Just before they slam into the wall at 85 Mph, the wife turns to him and smiles. 'The airbag.'

***********************

Some just don't get it


Jacqueline and her husband Marc went for counselling after 25 years of marriage.


When asked what the problem was, Jacqueline went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married.


She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.


Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking Jacqueline to stand, unbuttoned her blouse, embraced her, put his hands on her breasts, and kissed her passionately as her husband Marc watched with a raised eyebrow.


Jacqueline shut up, buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down as though in a daze.
The therapist turned to Marc and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?'


Marc thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf.'

**********************

A cabbie picks up a Nun.
******************

She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: 'I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.'

She answers,
'My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'

'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'

She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do about that:

#1, you have to be single and

#2, you must be Catholic.'

The cab driver is very excited and says,
'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!'

'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'

The nun fulfils his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
'My dear child,' says the nun, 'why are you crying?'

'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish.'

The nun says, 'That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a fancy dress party.'

**********************
The Sensitive Man:

The Sensitive Man A woman meets a man in a bar.
They talk; they connect; they endup leaving together.

They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment,notices that one wall of hisbedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet,cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute,cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall!

It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.

There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.

She found it strange for anobviously masculine guy to have such a large collection ofTeddy Bears, She is quite impressed by his sensitive side. but doesn't mention this to him.

They share a bottle of wine andcontinue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking, 'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father of my children?'

She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips he responds warmly, theycontinue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other'sclothes and make hot, steamy love.

She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.

After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy,they are lying there together in the afterglow.

The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly,'Well,how was it?' The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says: 'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf.'

******************
Poor Paddy!

***************

Mick met Paddy in the street and said, 'Paddy, will you draw your
curtains before making love to your wife in future?'


Why?' Paddy asked.'Because,' said Mick,' the entire street was laughing when
they saw you making love yesterday.'


'Silly buggers,' says Paddy, the laugh's on them. I wasn't home yesterday.'

******************

6 Comments:

  • Hi Dear Gwen ~~ Well done, some great jokes there. I knew you could do it.
    I hope you are doing well at Bowls
    and keeping well. I'm off to bed and
    it's only 11 pm. Take care, my friend,
    Love, Merle.

    By Blogger Merle, at September 03, 2008 11:08 pm  

  • Hi Gwen, Great jokes i really liked the Paddy one, keep up the good work.

    By Blogger bigbikerbob, at September 04, 2008 7:11 am  

  • I Gwen, you are doing good here on the blog. I hope you get to liking it again. we have been missing you.
    That therapist must have said something not clear. I wonder if he can remember it.
    I wonder what the other rows of prizes were and how they could be earned?
    ..

    By Blogger Jim, at September 08, 2008 1:45 pm  

  • Gday Mate,
    Nice to see an update, Great Jokes. Hehehe Had quite a giggle at the cabbie and the Nun,,and poor Paddy..
    See you tomorrow Janxxxxx

    By Blogger Jeanette, at September 09, 2008 11:49 pm  

  • Hi again Gwen ~~ Thanks for your visit and comments. Glad you liked the few garen pictures and the Fairy Garden.
    Still only the one light working. My
    friend Lorraine and I are going to try to get batters for the couple that don't work. Take care, dear friend and take good care of yourself. Love, Merle.

    By Blogger Merle, at September 11, 2008 5:07 pm  

  • HI Gwen, how're you doing? Long time no visit. THought it was time I got back to blogging !!
    Hope you are all well, and keeping out of mischief.
    Hugs, Connie

    By Blogger Meow (aka Connie), at September 16, 2008 7:51 pm  

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