Gwen's Den

Thursday, February 07, 2008

"BELLY LAUGHS"

THE BOTTLE OF WINE

For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, or wish you weren't married, this is something to smile about the next time you see a bottle of wine:

I was driving home from one of my business trips in Northwest when I saw an elderly Aboriginal man walking on the side of the road outside of Hedland.

As the trip was a long and quiet one, I stopped the car and asked the man if he would like a ride with a silent nod of thanks, the man got into the car.

Resuming the journey, I tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the old Aboriginal Man.

The old man just sat silently, looking intently at everything he saw, studying every little detail, until he noticed a brown bag on the seat next to me.
"What in bag?" asked the old man. I looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my wife.
The Aboriginal man was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, he said: "Good trade....."

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
A Somalian arrives in Sydney as a new immigrant to Australia
He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says,
"Thank you Mr. Australian for letting me in this country, giving me
housing, food stamps, free medical care, and free education!"
The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am a New Zealander."

The man goes on and encounters another passerby. " Thank you for
having such beautiful country here in Australia!"
The person says, "I not Australian, I Vietnamese."

The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops,
shakes his hand and says, "Thank you for the wonderful Australia!"
That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Middle East, I am
not Australian!"

He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an Australian?"
She says, "No, I am from Africa!"
Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the Australians?"
The African lady checks her watch and says...."Probably at work."

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Women are evil by nature

A sexy woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub...
She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.

She seuctively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers.As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," he replied."Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.


"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?" "Yes.

I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.
"Tell him," she whispered, "there's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
RULES OF BEDROOM GOLF......

1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play, normally one club and two balls.

2. Play on a course MUST be approved by the owner of a hole.

3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club into the hole and keep the balls out of the hole.

4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.

5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict the length of the club to avoid damage to the hole.

6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that the play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.

7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course with special attention to well formed bunkers.

8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage a player's equipment for this reason.

9. Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear along just in case.

10. Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have become irate if they discover someone else playing what they consider to be a private course.

11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players should be advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case.

12. Players are advised to obtain the course owner's permission before attempting to play the back nine.

13. Slow play is encouraged! However, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the owner's request.

14. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.

15. The course owner will be the sole judge of who is the best player.

16. Players are advised to think twice before considering membership at a given course. Additional assessments may be levied by the course owner and the rules are subject to change. For this reason, many players prefer to continue to play several different courses.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

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