Gwen's Den

Saturday, August 11, 2007

"LAUGH TIME"

11 PEOPLE ON A ROPE
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Eleven people were hanging on a rope,under a helicopter10 men and 1 woman.

The rope was not strong enough to carry themall, so they decided that 1 had to leave because otherwise they were all going to fall.

They weren't able to choose that person until the woman gave a very touching speech.

She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids or for men in general.

And was used to always making sacrifices with little in return, and as soon as she finished her speech all the men started clapping .......


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Old Timer Sex

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago?

We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you." Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?" Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to
himself, he thinks to himselfI've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence.

I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks.

Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence, the old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers.

As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in then suddenly
they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen.

This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning
and screaming finally they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed, he thinks he has learned something about
life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.

The Policeman is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes he says to them excuse me, but that was
something else.

You must've had a fantastic sex life together, is there some
sort of secret to this?"

Shaking the old man is barely able to reply, "Fifty years ago that
wasn't an electric fence."


###############


GRANDMA :

The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a honk if you love Jesus bumper sticker.

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put in on my bumper.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is and I didn't notice that the light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed I found that lots of people love Jesus.

Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy and when he leaned out of his window and screamed, "for the love of God, GO! GO!"

What an exuberant cheer leader he was for Jesus ,he started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people,I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love.

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach...I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.

When I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back.

My grandson burst out laughing, why even he was enjoying this religious experience.
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changedso I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.

I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

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The value of a Catholic education and a #2 pencil

You don't even have to be Catholic to appreciate this one little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School .. Usually she slept through the class.

One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping. "Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?"

When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear. "God Almighty!" shouted Mary Margaret.

The Nun said, "Very good" and continued teaching her class. A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, "Who is our Lord and Savior?" But Mary didn't stir from her slumber.

Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt. "Jesus Christ!!!" shouted Mary Margaret and the Nun once again said, "Very good," and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.

The Nun asked her a third question..."What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" Again, Johnny came to the rescue.

This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"

The nun fainted...........

#######################



Golf

A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course, became confused as to where he was on the course.

Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole hewas playing.

She replied, 'I'm on the 7th hole, and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.' He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine the same thing happened; and he approached her again with the same request.

She said, I'm on the 14th hole, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th hole.' Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.

He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar he asked the bartender if he knew the lady.

The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often. He approached her and said, 'Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help.

I understand that you are in the sales profession. I'm in sales also. What do you sell?' She replied, 'If I tell you, you'll laugh.' 'No, I won't.'

'Well, if you must know,' she answered, 'I work for Tampax.' With that, he laughed so hard he almost lost his breath.

She said, 'See I knew you would laugh.' 'That's not what I'm laughing at,' he replied. 'I'm a toilet paper salesman, so I'm still a hole behind you.'

#####################

AUSTRALIAN LOVE POEM

Of course I love ya darling You're a bloody top notch bird.

And when I say you're gorgeous I mean every single word .

So ya bum is on the big side I don't mind a bit of flab.

It means that when I'm readyThere's somethin' there to grab.

So your belly isn't flat no moreI tell ya, I don't care so long as when I cuddle ya I can get my arms round ya.

There's no sheila who is your age who has nice round perky breasts .

They just gave in to gravityBut I know ya did ya best.

I'm tellin ya the truth now I never tell ya lies.

I think its very sexy That you've got dimples on ya thighs.

I swear now on me Nanna's grave the moment that we met.

I thought you was as good as I was ever gonna get.

No matter wot you look likeI'll always love ya dear.

Now shut up while the footy's on and fetch another beer!


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12 Comments:

  • You found a good one to stop on, Gwen. These are all great, the first will be my favorite. Women are cunningly clever!
    Have a nice weekend, I'm glad you found my 'Until October Semi-retirement Home Blog.'
    ..

    By Blogger Jim, at August 11, 2007 4:10 pm  

  • Hi Gwen ~~ Great jokes there. I liked the electric fence one, but have seen the others and posted most of them. They can always do with another run.
    If you or Jan give me a ring or an e mail and let me know ehen you are coming, I will be happy to cook us a
    dinner. Take care Gwen, Love, Merle.

    By Blogger Merle, at August 11, 2007 9:30 pm  

  • Hi Mate, Great jokes, Had a couple of chuckles . The Tavern and The Nun fainted got my vote tonight,Oh I needed that laugh. see you on the bus tomorrow.. (((HUGS)))JAN

    By Blogger Jeanette, at August 11, 2007 10:56 pm  

  • I hadn't seen the first one before and it's my favorite of the four.

    By Blogger Granny, at August 12, 2007 4:05 pm  

  • Hi Gwen, all good, even the ones I'd seen before.

    By Blogger Peter, at August 12, 2007 5:57 pm  

  • I think we all need a good electric fence

    By Blogger Pamela, at August 13, 2007 2:14 pm  

  • Yeah, the electric fence wins!

    How nice that some of you blogger buddies are getting together. I'm sure there will be photos...

    By Blogger Val, at August 14, 2007 5:57 pm  

  • Hi Gwen,

    To the last joke--Ah, now that's love.

    Janice~

    By Blogger Janice, at August 15, 2007 5:14 pm  

  • Hiya Gwen. Nearly chocked on my pasta there when l read the electric fence one-lol Brilliant.
    The Grandma one was good too with the grandson in the back seat. Can see him messing with Granny's head- typical teenage shenanigans.
    Hope you've been keeping well. Got my youngest into school this past week and was busy buying his uniforms so didn't post for a while.
    Hopefully l'll find a bit more time.
    Bests xx

    By Blogger HORIZON, at August 17, 2007 11:53 pm  

  • I just poked my self in the eye I was laughing so hard at the electric fence one. Thanks for that, it was just what I needed.
    love shona

    By Blogger Snow White, at August 27, 2007 11:31 am  

  • Thinking of you Gwen- hope you're doing well
    xx

    By Blogger HORIZON, at August 30, 2007 11:45 pm  

  • Hi Gwen ~~ My friend Karen has given me another Nice Matters award and I have to pass it on, so I have chosen to give one to you. Logo is at top of my sidebar. You have to pass it on to 8 others. Take care, Love, Merle.

    By Blogger Merle, at September 06, 2007 9:23 pm  

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