Gwen's Den

Saturday, January 19, 2008

"LAUGH TIME"


"TREE HUGGER"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


While walking through Golden Gate Park in San Francisco, a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree.


Seeing this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?""I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied.


You've gotta be kiddin' me.""No, would you like to give it a try?"Understandably curious, the man says, "Well, OK..." So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it.


With this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then stripped him naked and left.

Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked and asked, "What the heck happened to you?"He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there.


When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said, "This just ain't gonna be your day, cupcake..."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Ostrich
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.

TheWaitress asks for their orders The man says, "A hamburger, fries and acoke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same,"says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be£9.40 please," she says and the man reaches into his pocket and pullsout the exact amount for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "Ahamburger, fries, and a coke."

The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact amount.For a while this becomes routine until the two enter again later in theweek. "The usual?" asks the waitress.


"No, this time it's a treat, so I will have a steak, baked potato, andsalad," says the man. "Yep! Same," says the ostrich. Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be £32.62." Once againthe man pulls the exact amount out of his pocket and places it on the table.


The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir.How do you manage to always come up with the exact money from yourpocket every time?""Well," says the man, "several years ago I was clearing the attic andfound an old lamp.

When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, Iwould just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.


That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a couple of million pounds or something, but you'll always be as rich asyou want for as long as you live!""That's right.

Whether it's a pint of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exactmoney is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?"The man sighs, pauses, and replies, "My second wish was for a tall birdWith a big arse and long legs who agrees with everything I say."


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all.


He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table.


And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean.


So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him from the bathroom mirror.


Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:


'Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian.


He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.

His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, 'Son... What happened last night?' 'Well Dad, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind.


You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.

Confused, he asked his son, 'So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??'

His son replies, 'Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed,

'Leave me alone, I'm married!!' Broken Coffee Table $239.99 Hot Breakfast $4.20 Two Aspirins $.38 Saying the right thing, at the right time: PRICELESS

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Abby

The following are actual letters that Abigail Van
Buren (Dear
Abby) admitted she was at a total loss to answer:

Dear Abby,
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me.
One is a
middle-aged gym teacher, and the other is a social
worker in
her mid twenties. These two women go everywhere
together, and
I've never seen a man go into their apartment or come
out.
Do you think they could be Lebanese?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Abby,
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What can I do about all the sex, nudity, language and
violence
on my VCR?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Abby,
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I have a man I never could trust. He cheats so much
I'm not
even sure this baby I'm carrying is even his.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Abby, ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I am a twenty-three- year-old liberated woman who has
been on
the pill for two years. It's getting expensive, and I
think
my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't
know him
well enough to discuss money with him.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Abby,

Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy
who was
raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Abby,
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it.
Now, how do
I get out?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Abby,
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My forty-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist
$50 an
hour every week for two- and-a-half years. He must be
crazy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Abby,
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Do you think it would be all right if I gave my doctor
a little gift? I tried for years to get pregnant and
couldn't, and he did it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Abby,
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My mother is mean and short-tempered. Do you think she is
going through her mental pause?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Abby,
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You told some woman whose husband had lost all
interest in sex to send him to a doctor.


Well, my husband lost all interest in sex years ago and he IS a doctor. What
now?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Helpful Farmer

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An Amish farmer walking through his field, notices a man drinking from his pond, with his hand. The Amish man shouts: "Trink das wasser nicht. Die kuhen haben dahin gesheissen." Which means: "Don't drink the water, the cows have shit in it." The man shouts back: "I'm a Muslim, I don't understand your gibberish. Speak English, infidel!" The Amish man says: "Use two hands, you'll get more."


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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