Gwen's Den

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

"JOKES FOR FRIENDS"




WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST


She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
*********************





WIFE VS. HUSBAND



A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?'
'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.'

**************************

WHO DOES WHAT


A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.



The wife said, 'You should do it because you get up first,
and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.


The husband said, 'You are in charge of cooking around here and
you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.'


Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.' Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.'


So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says . 'HEBREWS'



*******************************



The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home
and were giving each other the silent treatment.

Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him
at 5:0 0 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him,
when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

*****************************

Cake or Bed.

A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS, HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY? IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW.

HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY, FIX THE LIGHTS NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE GE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO.

FINE, THEN THE WIFE ASKS, WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT TO WHICH HE REPLIED, FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WESTINGHOUSE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?

I DON'T THINK SO FINE, SHE SAYS THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS TO THE FRONT DOOR? THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK I'M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON'T WANT TO FIX STEPS.

HE SAYS, DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE ACE HARDWARE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU. I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!!!

SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS................................... HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES TO GO HOME.

AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED

AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE, HE SEES THE HALL LIGHT IS WORKING. AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.

HONEY, HE ASKS, HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED? SHE SAID, WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT OUTSIDE AND CRIED.

JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM

HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE.

HE SAID, SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE? SHE REPLIED, HELLOOOOO.. DO YOU SEE BETTY CROCKER WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!





***********************
LIVE WILL

Last night, my friend and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her,"I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle, and if that ever happens, just pull the plug."She got up, unplugged the TV and threw out my wine.She's such a Bitch . . . . . .



********************

19 Comments:

  • Hi Gwen ~~ Some really good jokes there, thanks for the smiles. I do
    not have Microsoft Excel so I didn't get the card. Don't worry about it.
    Take care, my friend, Love, Merle.

    By Blogger Merle, at November 29, 2007 12:58 am  

  • Hi Gwen,
    thanks for your comment on my last post which made me realise that I must write an explanatory post about where I am and my lack of blogging. You can read about it on my post.

    My husband and I are about to try out lawn bowls for the first time next week. The optometrist I work for sponsors the local bowls club and we're having our Christmas party there which includes a lesson. We're looking forward to that!

    By Blogger Val, at November 29, 2007 9:59 am  

  • Hi Gwen, I loved that 'silent treatment' joke - really made me giggle!

    By Blogger Sorlil, at December 01, 2007 3:49 am  

  • Hi Gwen -- These were pretty hard on the men, weren't they? Funny, but almost true, I guess.
    Cheers!
    ..

    By Blogger Jim, at December 01, 2007 7:33 pm  

  • Gday Mate, Great joke you gave me a good laugh, Hahaha to the "In Laws"

    By Blogger Jeanette, at December 01, 2007 10:18 pm  

  • Hi Gwen,

    I like the Hebrews one, very clever.

    Janice~

    By Blogger Janice, at December 03, 2007 6:41 pm  

  • Hi Gwen, great jokes, as usual !!
    Hope you are keeping well, and all organised for Christmas.
    Have a Merry Christmas, and a safe and Happy New Year.
    Will be in touch soon.
    Take care, hugs, Meow xx

    By Blogger Meow (aka Connie), at December 19, 2007 11:08 pm  

  • Love the jokes!! Have a very very special Christmas and all the best in the New Year

    By Blogger Peggy, at December 21, 2007 12:06 am  

  • Hi Gwen,

    I just came back to wish you a happy anniversery, a mery Christmas, and a happy new year.

    Janice~

    By Blogger Janice, at December 21, 2007 7:06 pm  

  • Happy Anniversary, Gwen and Brian!
    Happy Anniversary, Gwen and Brian!
    Happy Anniversary, Gwen and Brian!
    Happy Anniversary, Gwen and Brian!
    Happy Anniversary, Gwen and Brian!
    Happy Anniversary, Gwen and Brian!
    Happy Anniversary, Gwen and Brian!
    Happy Anniversary, Gwen and Brian!
    Happy Anniversary, Gwen and Brian!
    Happy Anniversary, Gwen and Brian!
    Happy Anniversary, Gwen and Brian!
    Happy Anniversary, Gwen and Brian!
    Happy Anniversary, Gwen and Brian!
    Happy Anniversary, Gwen and Brian!
    Happy Anniversary, Gwen and Brian!
    Happy Anniversary, Gwen and Brian!
    Happy Anniversary, Gwen and Brian!
    Happy Anniversary, Gwen and Brian!
    Happy Anniversary, Gwen and Brian!
    Happy Anniversary, Gwen and Brian!

    50! WOW! WOW!

    That's all the better I can sing, so Happy Anniversary again!
    ..

    By Blogger Jim, at December 22, 2007 10:11 am  

  • Hey hun,

    Love the quilts, keep me nice and warm outside when ive been drinking..lol

    See you soon, have a great xmas day.

    By Blogger LittleJen, at December 23, 2007 3:05 pm  

  • I love that "in-laws" joke - wahey!!

    By Blogger Gledwood, at December 24, 2007 10:35 am  

  • Hi Gwen,

    ........*
    ........♥
    .......♥♥
    .....~♥~♥~
    .....♥~♥~♥
    ...~♥~♥♥~♥~
    ..♥~♥~♥♥~♥~♥
    ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥
    ........[]

    To you and your family, Merry Christmas!
    ..

    By Blogger Jim, at December 26, 2007 6:33 am  

  • Hey I THOUGHT I had wandered through here a couple of days ago and I was right... Hope you had a fabby Xmas and here's for a fantabby New Year 2008!!

    ;->...

    By Blogger Gledwood, at December 27, 2007 11:31 am  

  • Thanks for the message... 2008 is just the other side of the weekend... wishing you a marvellous one

    haha!!

    By Blogger Gledwood, at December 29, 2007 9:25 am  

  • Hi Gwen, Just stopping in for a laugh and to wish you all the best with your 2008 plans.

    By Blogger Wenda, at December 29, 2007 11:27 am  

  • A Happy New Year to you to Gwen, thanks for the laughs!

    By Blogger Martin Stickland, at January 02, 2008 8:27 am  

  • Dear Gwen ~~ Sorry I missed your 50th
    but that was the day I went to Kathys. It sounds like you and Brian had a lovely day with a few sneaky surprises. I wish you both many more happy years together. I guess Christmas was great and I hope you
    have a happy, healthy and peaceful
    New Year in 2008. Thanks for your
    comments (last year). Take care, my
    friend, Much love, Merle.

    By Blogger Merle, at January 02, 2008 6:04 pm  

  • Mercy Gwen I hope you read all the comments seeing as it has been a while since you posted. I just wanted to chime in and say congratulations on the 50th as well. He must be a special man to have endured that long. ha,ha,ha. Cheryl tells me that I have to live 8 more years so we can have our 50th. The way my health is I hope I can accommodate her. Have a Happy New Year.

    By Blogger The Ramblin Irishman, at January 03, 2008 5:28 am  

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