"BED TIME"

TAKING A WOMAN TO BED
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What is the difference between girls/woman Aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58. 68, and 78 ?

At 8 -- You take her to bed and tell her a story.

At 18 -- You tell her a story and take her to bed.

At 28 -- You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.

At 38 -- She tells you a story and takes you to bed.

At 48 -- She tells you a story to avoid going to bed.

At 58 -- You stay in bed to avoid her story.

At 68 -- If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!

At 78 -- What story??? What bed??? Who the hell are you???

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It always pays to check After a long night of making love to his new girlfriend, Fred notices a photo of a man on her bedside table.

At first, he really didn’t give it much thought; she had never mentioned it so why should he.

But after a month or so he begins to obsess about it; even imagining the photo is staring at him during sex. It’s causing him so much anxiety that he finally decides to ask about it.

“Is this your ex-husband?” he nervously asks. “No, silly,” she replies, snuggling up to him. “Another boyfriend, then?” he continues.

“No, not at all,” she says, nibbling away at his ear. “Is it your dad or your brother?” he inquires, hoping to be reassured.

“No, no, no!!!” she answers. “Well, who in the hell is he, then?” he demands. “That’s me before the surgery.”

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"THE STUTTERING KITTY"

A teacher was explaining biology to her 4th grade students.

"Human beings are the only animals that stutter",she said.

A little girl raised her hand."I had a kitty-cat

who stuttered", she volunteered.

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories become,

asked the girl to descibe the incident.

"Well, she began," I was in the back yard with my kitty and the rottweiler

who lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped

over the fence into our yard!"

"That must've been scary",said the teacher."

"It sure was", said the little girl."My kitty went' Fffff,Fffff,Fffff'_

and before he could say "F**k!" the rottweiler ate him!"

Joke of the day:

A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police. "What are these matches and lighter fluid doing in your car?" asks the cop.

"I'm a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act."

"Oh yeah?" says the doubtful cop. "Lets see you do it." The juggler gets out and starts juggling the blazing torches masterfully.

A couple driving by slows down to watch. "Wow," says the driver to his wife. "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're giving now!"

"HAPPY EASTER"

As I will be visiting my daughter over Easter,I will be off line
for a week plus.
I wish you and your families a very happy Easter see you all
on my return.

"THE HONEYMOON"

A young couple got married and went on a cruise for their honeymoon.
When they arrived home from the honeymoon, the bride immediately called her mother, who lived a couple of hours away.

"Well, darling," said her mom, "how was the honeymoon?"
"Oh, mother," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic, we had a terrific time! But, mother, as soon as we returned, Sam began using really horrible language...

Stuff I'd never heard before... Really terrible 4-letter words... You've got to come get me and take me home. PLEASE MOTHER!"
And the new bride began to sob over the telephone.

But honey," the mother countered, "WHAT 4-letter words?"
"I can't tell you, mother," said the daughter, "they're too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE!"
"Darling daughter, you must tell me what has you so upset... Tell mother the 4-letter words!"

Still sobbing, the bride said, "Mother.... he is using words like:

DUST... WASH... IRON... COOK!


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Joke of the day:


The owner of a small deli was being questioned by the IRS about his tax return. He had reported a net profit of $80,000 for the year.

"Why don't you people leave me alone?" the deli owner said. "I work like a dog, everyone in my family helps out, the place is only closed three days a year. And you want to know how I made $80,000?"

"It's not your income that bothers us," the agent said. "It's these deductions. You listed six trips to Bermuda for you and your wife."

"Oh, that," the owner said smiling. "I forgot to tell you - we also deliver


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A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer.
Suddenly, the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.

" The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want". The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking.

The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources.
I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things.

Take a little more time and think of something that would honour and glorify me. "
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife.

I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothings wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy.

"The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

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