"LAUGH TIME"

"TREE HUGGER"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


While walking through Golden Gate Park in San Francisco, a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree.


Seeing this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?""I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied.


You've gotta be kiddin' me.""No, would you like to give it a try?"Understandably curious, the man says, "Well, OK..." So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it.


With this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then stripped him naked and left.

Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked and asked, "What the heck happened to you?"He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there.


When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said, "This just ain't gonna be your day, cupcake..."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Ostrich
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.

TheWaitress asks for their orders The man says, "A hamburger, fries and acoke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same,"says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be£9.40 please," she says and the man reaches into his pocket and pullsout the exact amount for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "Ahamburger, fries, and a coke."

The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact amount.For a while this becomes routine until the two enter again later in theweek. "The usual?" asks the waitress.


"No, this time it's a treat, so I will have a steak, baked potato, andsalad," says the man. "Yep! Same," says the ostrich. Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be £32.62." Once againthe man pulls the exact amount out of his pocket and places it on the table.


The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir.How do you manage to always come up with the exact money from yourpocket every time?""Well," says the man, "several years ago I was clearing the attic andfound an old lamp.

When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, Iwould just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.


That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a couple of million pounds or something, but you'll always be as rich asyou want for as long as you live!""That's right.

Whether it's a pint of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exactmoney is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?"The man sighs, pauses, and replies, "My second wish was for a tall birdWith a big arse and long legs who agrees with everything I say."


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all.


He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table.


And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean.


So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him from the bathroom mirror.


Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:


'Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian.


He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.

His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, 'Son... What happened last night?' 'Well Dad, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind.

You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.

Confused, he asked his son, 'So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??'

His son replies, 'Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed,

'Leave me alone, I'm married!!' Broken Coffee Table $239.99 Hot Breakfast $4.20 Two Aspirins $.38 Saying the right thing, at the right time: PRICELESS

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Abby

The following are actual letters that Abigail Van
Buren (Dear
Abby) admitted she was at a total loss to answer:

Dear Abby,
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me.
One is a
middle-aged gym teacher, and the other is a social
worker in
her mid twenties. These two women go everywhere
together, and
I've never seen a man go into their apartment or come
out.
Do you think they could be Lebanese?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Abby,
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What can I do about all the sex, nudity, language and
violence
on my VCR?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Abby,
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I have a man I never could trust. He cheats so much
I'm not
even sure this baby I'm carrying is even his.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Abby, ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I am a twenty-three- year-old liberated woman who has
been on
the pill for two years. It's getting expensive, and I
think
my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't
know him
well enough to discuss money with him.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Abby,

Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy
who was
raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Abby,
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it.
Now, how do
I get out?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Abby,
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My forty-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist
$50 an
hour every week for two- and-a-half years. He must be
crazy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Abby,
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Do you think it would be all right if I gave my doctor
a little gift? I tried for years to get pregnant and
couldn't, and he did it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Abby,
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My mother is mean and short-tempered. Do you think she is
going through her mental pause?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Abby,
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You told some woman whose husband had lost all
interest in sex to send him to a doctor.


Well, my husband lost all interest in sex years ago and he IS a doctor. What
now?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Helpful Farmer

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An Amish farmer walking through his field, notices a man drinking from his pond, with his hand. The Amish man shouts: "Trink das wasser nicht. Die kuhen haben dahin gesheissen." Which means: "Don't drink the water, the cows have shit in it." The man shouts back: "I'm a Muslim, I don't understand your gibberish. Speak English, infidel!" The Amish man says: "Use two hands, you'll get more."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"HELPS TO LAUGH"

DYNAMITE


You will be cut down to size.....even by a blonde!



The body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says, "What a greatchest you have."He tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, baby.



"He takes off his pants and the blonde says, "What massive calves you have."The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, baby.



"He then removes his underwear and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear.



The body builder puts his clothes back on andchases after her.



He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that.The blonde replies, "I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I sawhow short the fuse was."



*****************************************




Irish Confession -

Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?" "Yes, Father, it is.



"And, who was the woman you were with?"
"I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."


"Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well
tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?" "I cannot say."


"Was it Patricia Kelly?" "I'll never tell." "Was it Liz Shannon?"
"I'm sorry, but I can't name her."


"Was it Cathy Morgan?" "My lips are sealed."
"Was it Fiona McDonald, then?" "Please, Father, I cannot tell you."


The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy
Shaughnessy, and I admire that.



But you've sinned, and you must atone. You cannot attend church mass for three months. Be off with you now."


Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers,
"What'd you get?" " Three months vacation and five good leads"



*********************************************






It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy.

The new law was that in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day on the day that you died.



The policy would go into effect at noon the next day.
So the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven.



The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly asked the man, "Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died."


"No problem," the man said. "I came home to my 25th-floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife having an affair.



But her lover was nowhere in sight I immediately began searching for him.

My wife was half naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment.



Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips!


The nerve of that guy! Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he Fell to the ground.



But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die. This ticked me off even more.


In a rage, I went back inside to get the first heavy thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator.



I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him!



The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly." The Angel sat back and thought a moment.


Technically, the guy did have a bad day,it was a crime of passion. So, the Angel announced, "OK, sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in.



A few seconds later the next guy came up. To the Angel's surprise, it was John Howard." Mr. Howard, before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died."

Johnnie said, "No problem. But you're not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of a 26th floor apartment where we were staying for a conference doing my daily exercises.



I had been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side!



Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers.



Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom which broke my fall, so I didn't die right away.


As I'm lying there face up on the ground, unable to move and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator of all things off the balcony.



It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly." The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as Johnnie finishes his story.



"I could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself. "Very well," the Angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and he lets Howard enter.



A few seconds later, Shane Warne comes up to the gate. The Angel is almost too shocked to speak. Thoughts of demon bowlers or car accidents pour through the Angel's head.



Finally he says, "Mr Warne , please tell me what it was like the day you died." Shane says, "OK, picture this. I'm naked, inside a refrigerator......."



*******************************************