"JOKES FOR FRIENDS"

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

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WIFE VS. HUSBAND



A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?'
'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.'

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WHO DOES WHAT

A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, 'You should do it because you get up first,
and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.


The husband said, 'You are in charge of cooking around here and
you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.'


Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.' Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.'


So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says . 'HEBREWS'



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The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home
and were giving each other the silent treatment.

Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him
at 5:0 0 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him,
when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

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Cake or Bed.

A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS, HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY? IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW.

HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY, FIX THE LIGHTS NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE GE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO.

FINE, THEN THE WIFE ASKS, WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT TO WHICH HE REPLIED, FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WESTINGHOUSE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?

I DON'T THINK SO FINE, SHE SAYS THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS TO THE FRONT DOOR? THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK I'M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON'T WANT TO FIX STEPS.

HE SAYS, DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE ACE HARDWARE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU. I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!!!

SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS................................... HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES TO GO HOME.

AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED

AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE, HE SEES THE HALL LIGHT IS WORKING. AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.

HONEY, HE ASKS, HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED? SHE SAID, WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT OUTSIDE AND CRIED.

JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM

HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE.

HE SAID, SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE? SHE REPLIED, HELLOOOOO.. DO YOU SEE BETTY CROCKER WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!

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LIVE WILL

Last night, my friend and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her,"I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle, and if that ever happens, just pull the plug."She got up, unplugged the TV and threw out my wine.She's such a Bitch . . . . . .



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"FINISHED PRODUCT"

Those that saw my earlier post on our knitting saturdays,I can now show you the finished garments.

They are knee rugs great for cold winter nights when you are sitting watching telly
Lto R Jan ,Pauline, [Jan's sister] and yours truly.

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BACK TO SAY HI"

The Letter

A father passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up.

Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad.' With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.

'Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you.

I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.

But it's not only the passion Dad she's pregnant,Stacy said that we will be very happy She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.

We share a dream of having many more children Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't, really hurt anyone.

We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better She sure deserves it!! Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren love, your son, Joshua.

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true I'm over at Jason's house I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on my desk.

I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home

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Three Men On A Hike

Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large raging, violent river needing to get to the other side, the first man prayed:

"God, please give me the strength to cross the river." Poof! ... God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.

After witnessing that, the second man prayed: "God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river"

Poof! ... God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.

Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed: "God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the river"

Poof! .... He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.

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An Australian Poem

The sun was hot already - it was only 8 o'clock the cocky took off in his Ute, to go and check his stock.

He drove around the paddocks checking wethers, ewes and lambs,the float valves in the water troughs, the windmills on the dams.

He stopped and turned a windmill on to fill a water tank and saw a ewe down in the dam, a few yards from the bank.

"Typical bloody sheep," he thought, "they've got no common sense,"They won't go through a gateway but they'll jump a bloody fence.

"The ewe was stuck down in the mud, he knew without a doubt she'd stay there 'til she carked it if he didn't get her out.

But when he reached the water's edge, the startled ewe broke free and in her haste to get away, began a swimming spree.

He reckoned once her fleece was wet, the weight would drag her down if he didn't rescue her, the stupid sod would drown.

Her style was unimpressive, her survival chances slim he saw no other option, he would have to take a swim.

He peeled his shirt and singlet off, his trousers, boots and socks and as he couldn't stand wet clothes, he also shed his jocks.

He jumped into the water and away that cocky swam he caught up with her, somewhere near the middle of the dam.

The ewe was quite evasive, she kept giving him the slip he tried to grab her sodden fleece but couldn't get a grip.

At last he got her to the bank and stopped to catch his breath she showed him little gratitude for saving her from death.

She took off like a Bondi tram around the other side he swore next time he caught that ewe he'd hang her bloody hide.

Then round and round the dam they ran, although he felt quite puffed he still thought he could run her down, she must be nearly stuffed.

The local stock rep came along, to pay a call that day he knew this bloke was on his own, his wife had gone away.

He didn't really think he'd get fresh scones for morning tea but nor was he prepared for what he was about to see.

He rubbed his eyes in disbelief at what came into view for running down the catchment came this frantic-looking ewe.

And on her heels in hot pursuit and wearing not a stitchthe farmer yelling wildly "Come back here, you lousy bitch!"

The stock rep didn't hang around, he took off in his car the cocky's reputation has been damaged near and far.

So bear in mind the Work Safe rule when next you check your flocks spot the hazard, assess the risk, and always wear your jocks!

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Let Him Dig

An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other when they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night.

The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life! " Neighbours feared him.

They believed he practiced black magic, because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighbourhood the old man liked the fact that he was feared.

To everyone's relief he died of a heart attack when he was 98, his wife had a closed casket at the wake after her neighbours, concerned for her safety, asked.

"Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life?"

The wife put down her drink and said, "Let him dig. I had him buried upside down....

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