A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, 'I would like to buy some cyanide.
'The pharmacist asked, 'Why in the world do you need cyanide?' The lady replied, 'I need it to poison my husband.
'The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, 'Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband.
That's against the law!I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen.
Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!' The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, 'Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription.'
Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them.
Each priest had a small bell attached to his weenie and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained, because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.
The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no reaction.
She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest, Carlos.
Poor Carlos. As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, clattering across the ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage.
Embarrassed, Carlos quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest.
He bent over to pick it up......
Then all the other bells started to ring. *******
Gotta love those red necks!!!!!! One hot summer day, a redneck came to town with his dog, tied it under the shade of a tree, and headed into the bar for a cold one.
Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the bar and asked, 'Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside?'The redneck said it was his.'Your dog seems to be in heat' the officer said.
The redneck replied, 'No way. She's cool 'cause she's tied up under that shade tree.'The policeman said, 'No! You don't understand. Your dog needs to be breed.
''No way,' said the redneck. 'That dog don't need bread. She ain't hungry 'cause I fed her this mornin'.'The exasperated policeman said, 'NO! You don't understand; your dog wants to have sex'!
The redneck looked at the cop and said, 'Well, go ahead. I always wanted a police dog.'************
Doctors dont laugh!************
The Doctor said 'Of course I won't laugh, I'm a professional.
In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient.'
'Okay then,'Bob said and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'whoo-ha' the doctor had ever seen.
It couldn't have been bigger than the size of a AAA battery. Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell laughing to the floor.
Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure 'I'm so sorry,'said the doctor.
'I really am. I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again.
Now, what seems to be the problem?' 'It's swollen,'Bob replied.
A man's in bed with his Thai girlfriend. After having great sex, she spends the next hour just stroking his penis, something she had lovingly done on many occassions. Rather enjoying it, he turns and asks her, 'Why do you love doing that?' She replies: 'Because I really miss mine'.
A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning. He said 'Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach.
Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn that comes to your mind' The pastor shouted out 'CROSS.' Immediately the congregation started singing in unison, 'THE OLD RUGGED CROSS.'
The pastor hollered out 'GRACE.' The congregation began to sing 'AMAZING GRACE, how sweet the sound.'
The pastor said 'POWER.' The congregation sang 'THERE IS POWER IN THE BLOOD.' The Pastor said 'SEX' The congregation fell into total silence.
Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other afraid to say anything.
Then all of a sudden, way from in the back of the church, A little 87 year old grandmother stood up and began to sing 'MEMORIES.' ********
CINDERELLA wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her.
As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promised to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions.
'First, you must wear a diaphragm.' Cinderella agrees. 'What's the second condition?' 'You must be home by 2:00 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin.
Cinderella agrees to be home by 2:00 a.m. The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5:00 a.m. Cinderella shows up, looking love struck and very satisfied.
'Where have you been?' demands the Fairy Godmother. 'Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!' 'I met a prince, Fairy Godmother.
He took care of everything' The Fairy Godmother stated, 'I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!' Cinderella replied, 'I can't remember, exactly; Peter, Peter, something or other.'
Viagra is now available in powder form for your tea!******
It doesn't enhance your sexual performance but it does stop your biscuit going soft.