Gwen's Den

"I BELIEVE"

2008-10-30T03:17:00.001+11:00

I Believe... That just because two people argue, doesn't mean they don't love each other.
And just because they don't argue, doesn't mean they do love each other.

I Believe...That we don't have to change friends if we understand that friends change.

I Believe...That no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.

I Believe...That true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance.
Same goes for true love.

I Believe... That you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life.

I Believe...That it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.

I Believe...That you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.

I Believe... That you can keep going long after you think you can't.

I Believe...That we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.

I Believe...That either you control your attitude or it controls you.

I Believe...That heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.

I Believe...That money is a lousy way of keeping score.

I Believe...That my best friend and I can do anything, or nothing, and have the best time.

I Believe...That sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down, will be the ones to help you get back up.

I Believe...That sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.

I Believe...That maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had, and what you've learned from them.....and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated.

I Believe...That it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes, you have to learn to forgive yourself. I Believe...That no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief.

I Believe...That our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.

I Believe...That you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret. It could change your life forever.

IBelieve...Two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.

I Believe...That your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don't even know you.

I Believe...That even when you think you have no more to give, if a friend cries out to you........you will find the strength to help.

I Believe...That credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.

I Believe...That the people you care about most in life are taken from you too soon.

I Believe...That you should send this to all of the people that you believe in. I just did. The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; They just make the most of everything.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"LAUGH ALONG"

2008-09-25T12:55:00.004+10:00

Two Old Gals

~~~~~~~~
Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain.

One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Maude: What in the hell is that? Mabel: a condom this way my cigarette doesn't get wet. Maude: Where did you get it? Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms .

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.' The pharmacist fainted.

******************

Tickle Me Elmo

~~~~~~

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys, the toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.

The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.

The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant.

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor.

When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stood Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.She had a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watched in amazement as she cut a little piece of fabric, wrapped it around two marbles and began to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager burst into laughter,after several minutes of hysterics he pulled himself together and approached Lena.

"I'm sorry," he said to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..." "Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Its all in a name!
~~~~~~~~

The agent asked, "What's your name? the guy said, "My name is Penis Van Lesbian."

The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood,
you are going to have to change your name."

"I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old,
I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name Not ever."

The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years... you
will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian!

I'm telling you, you will HAVE to change your name or I will not be able to represent you."

"So be it! I guess we will not do business together" the guy said
and he left the agent's office.

FIVE YEARS LATER..... The agent opens an envelope sent to his
office inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000.

The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him $50,000? He reads
the letter enclosed...

"Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become
an actor in Hollywood, you told me I needed to change my name.

Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused you told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis Van Lesbian.

After I left your office, I thought about what you said I decided you were right
I had to change my name.

I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation.

Thank you for your advice..
Sincerely

**Dick Van Dyke**
~~~~~~~~~~

"MY FRIENDS SURGERY"

2008-09-21T17:15:00.000+10:00

My friend and neighbour Paula, has just gone through surgery for a knee replacement. As I was involved with her travel to appointments and her delivery to the hospital on the day of her operation I feel it's o.k. for me to post.

**************

Below the start, Paula about to leave for the trip to Wangaratta Hospital.

The day after her op looking pretty good.

The culprit her left knee

After 6 days in hospital she is finally home , still sore and in need of some T.L.C.

But as you can see she can still raise a smile.

HOPE ALL GOES WELL WITH YOUR RECOVERY PAULA.XXX

"HA!! HA!! HA!!

2008-09-02T10:21:00.001+10:00

As Promised Merle hope you enjoy

*************

I WANT A DIVORCE...

A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady 60 Miles per hour.

The wife is behind the wheel her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice.

'I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce.

' The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 65 mph.

The husband speaks again. 'I don't want you to try and talk me out of it,' He says, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a far better lover than you are.

Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 75 he pushes his luck.

'I want the house,' he says insistently.. Up to 80. 'I want the car, too,' he continues. 85 mph. 'And,' he says, 'I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!'

The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge.

This makes him nervous, so he asks her, 'Isn't there anything you want?' The wife at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice.

'No, I've got everything I need,' she says.'Oh, really,' he inquires, 'so what have you got?' Just before they slam into the wall at 85 Mph, the wife turns to him and smiles. 'The airbag.'

***********************

Some just don't get it

Jacqueline and her husband Marc went for counselling after 25 years of marriage.

When asked what the problem was, Jacqueline went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking Jacqueline to stand, unbuttoned her blouse, embraced her, put his hands on her breasts, and kissed her passionately as her husband Marc watched with a raised eyebrow.

Jacqueline shut up, buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down as though in a daze.
The therapist turned to Marc and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?'

Marc thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf.'

**********************

A cabbie picks up a Nun.
******************

She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: 'I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.'

She answers,
'My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'

'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'

She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do about that:

#1, you have to be single and

#2, you must be Catholic.'

The cab driver is very excited and says,
'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!'

'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'

The nun fulfils his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
'My dear child,' says the nun, 'why are you crying?'

'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish.'

The nun says, 'That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a fancy dress party.'

**********************

The Sensitive Man:

The Sensitive Man A woman meets a man in a bar.
They talk; they connect; they endup leaving together.

They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment,notices that one wall of hisbedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet,cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute,cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall!

It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.

There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.

She found it strange for anobviously masculine guy to have such a large collection ofTeddy Bears, She is quite impressed by his sensitive side. but doesn't mention this to him.

They share a bottle of wine andcontinue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking, 'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father of my children?'

She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips he responds warmly, theycontinue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other'sclothes and make hot, steamy love.

She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.

After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy,they are lying there together in the afterglow.

The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly,'Well,how was it?' The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says: 'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf.'

******************

Poor Paddy!

***************

Mick met Paddy in the street and said, 'Paddy, will you draw your
curtains before making love to your wife in future?'

Why?' Paddy asked.'Because,' said Mick,' the entire street was laughing when
they saw you making love yesterday.'

'Silly buggers,' says Paddy, the laugh's on them. I wasn't home yesterday.'

******************

"BLESSINGS"

2008-07-31T17:30:00.018+10:00

Some great news I just had to share with my blogging friends

Above the Star of the show "HUNTER"

Born Tuesday 29th July 2008

Above with Mum Jessica
Very Very proud Great Grand Parents
Here with her Big Sister Amelia
Amelia & Hunter with Mum

2008-07-29T01:50:00.003+10:00

Oh, I Wish I'd Looked After Me Tits
By Pam Ayres

*****************

Oh, I wish I'd looked after me dear old knockers,

Not flashed them to boys behind the school lockers,

Or let them get fondled by randy old dockers,

Oh, I wish I'd looked after me tits.

'Cos now I'm much older and gravity's winning.

It's Nature's revenge for all that sinning,

And those dirty memories are rapidly dimming,

Oh, I wish I'd looked after me tits

'Cos tits can be such troublesome things

When they no longer bounce, but dangle and swing.

And although they go well with my Bingo wings,

I wish I'd looked after me tits.

When they're both long enough to tie up in a bow,

When it's not the sweet chariot that swings low,

When they're less of a friend and more of a foe,

Then I wish I'd looked after me tits.

When I was young I got whistles and hoots,

From the men on the site to the men in the suits,

Now me nipples get stuck in the zips on me boots,

Oh, I wish I'd looked after me tits.

When I was younger I rode bikes and scooters,

Cruising around with my favourite suitors.

Now the wheels get entangled with my dangling hooters,

I wish I'd looked after me tits.

When they follow behind and get trapped in the door,

When they're less in the air and more near the floor,

When people see less of them rather than more,

Oh, I wish I'd looked after me tits.

"THINGS TO PONDER"

2008-06-20T19:05:00.001+10:00

1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times,
does he become disoriented?

2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from
Holland called Holes?

3. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

4. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

5. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

6. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

7. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

8. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person
who drives a racing car not called a racist?

9. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

10. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

12. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language.

Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

13. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow
that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged,
models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

14. What hair colour do they put on the driver's licences of bald men?

15. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little
spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

16. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What
are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their
pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while
they deliver the mail?

17. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

18. No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning.

19. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those
little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE

20. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing
section in a swimming pool?

22. OK ... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and
the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," what does that make
the Tennessee Titans?

23. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhoea, does that mean that one
enjoys it?

24. Why if you send something by road it is called a shipment, but when
you send it by sea it is called cargo?

25. If a convenience store is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365
days a year, why are there locks on the door?

******************
QUESTIONS THAT HAUNT

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. but it's only a " penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the same clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle,Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why didyou just try singing the two songs above?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

******************

WHY IS ENGLISH SO DIFFICULT ?

Let's begin with a box, and the plural is boxes; butThe plural of ox became oxen not oxes.

One fowl is aGoose, but two are called geese, yet the plural ofMoose should never be meese.

You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice;Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.

If thePlural of man is always called men, why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?

If I spoke of my foot and show you my feet, and IGive you a boot, would a pair be called beet?

If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth, why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?

Then one may be that, and three would be those, yet hat in the plural would never be hose, and the plural of cat is cats, not cose.

We speak of a brother and also of brethren, but though we say mother! We never say methren.

Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him, but imagine the feminine, she, shis and shim.

Some reasons to be grateful if you grew up speakingEnglish; 1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce.

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the polish furniture.

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

8) At the Army base, a bass was painted on the headof a bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how torow.

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) After a number of Novocain injections, my jaw got number.

19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

22) I spent last evening evening out a pile of dirt.

Screwy pronunciations can mess up your mind!

ForExample... If you have a rough cough, climbing can be tough when going through the bough on a tree! Let's face it - English is a crazy language.

! There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger;Neither apple nor pine in pineapple.

English muffins weren't invented in England and French FriesActually come from Belgium.

We take English for granted. But if we explore itsParadoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly,boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?

Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend?

If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you callIt?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?

IfA vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English should be committed ! to an asylum for the verbally insane.

In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?

Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?

Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wiseguy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out.

And in which an alarm goes off by going on.

If Dad is Pop, how come Mom isn't Mop? I can't explain can you.

*****************

2008-06-02T02:27:00.001+10:00

! In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied.

A nurse noticed his predicament. Sir, she said " You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."

He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.

Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA , PP, and a red one labelled ATR. Who would know if he touched them?

He couldn't resist.. He pushed WW. warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. What a nice feeling, he thought.

Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this. Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button.

Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside. When this stopped, he pushed the PP button.

A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure.. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure.

When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.

Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him "What happened?" he exclaimed.

The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button. "The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow.

" MEN NEVER LISTEN"
%%%%%%%%%%%%

A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.
'I don't want to know,' the child said, bursting into tears.
'Promise me you won't tell me.' Confused, the father asked what was wrong.
The boy sobbed, 'When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech.
At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech.
When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.
If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really root, I'll have nothing left to live for.'

####################

To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine.. And those who don't.

As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria.
In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 litre of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. Coli) - bacteria found in faeces.

In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop. However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember: Water = Poop Wine = Health
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of sh*t.
**********************************

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."

The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven." The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times."

The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice."

The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?" The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."
*************************

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.

One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, my dog is dead.

Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?" Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church.

But there are some Baptists down the lane and there's no tellin' what they believe, Maybe they'll do something for the creature.

" Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya 'think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?" Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times." Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"
Man: "What sins?"
Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"
Man: "I'm Jewish."
Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"
Man: "I'm 92 years old ... I'm telling everybody."

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

2008-05-19T10:44:00.004+10:00

Pharmacy Story

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, 'I would like to buy some cyanide.

'The pharmacist asked, 'Why in the world do you need cyanide?' The lady replied, 'I need it to poison my husband.

'The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, 'Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband.

That's against the law!I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen.

Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!' The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, 'Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription.'

********
Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them.

Each priest had a small bell attached to his weenie and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained, because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.

The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no reaction.
She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest, Carlos.

Poor Carlos. As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, clattering across the ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage.

Embarrassed, Carlos quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest.
He bent over to pick it up......

Then all the other bells started to ring.

*******

Gotta love those red necks!!!!!! One hot summer day, a redneck came to town with his dog, tied it under the shade of a tree, and headed into the bar for a cold one.

Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the bar and asked, 'Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside?'The redneck said it was his.'Your dog seems to be in heat' the officer said.

The redneck replied, 'No way. She's cool 'cause she's tied up under that shade tree.'The policeman said, 'No! You don't understand. Your dog needs to be breed.

''No way,' said the redneck. 'That dog don't need bread. She ain't hungry 'cause I fed her this mornin'.'The exasperated policeman said, 'NO! You don't understand; your dog wants to have sex'!

The redneck looked at the cop and said, 'Well, go ahead. I always wanted a police dog.'

************
Doctors dont laugh!
************

The Doctor said 'Of course I won't laugh, I'm a professional.

In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient.'

'Okay then,'Bob said and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'whoo-ha' the doctor had ever seen.

It couldn't have been bigger than the size of a AAA battery. Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell laughing to the floor.

Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure 'I'm so sorry,'said the doctor.

'I really am. I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again.

Now, what seems to be the problem?' 'It's swollen,'Bob replied.

******

A man's in bed with his Thai girlfriend. After having great sex, she spends the next hour just stroking his penis, something she had lovingly done on many occassions. Rather enjoying it, he turns and asks her, 'Why do you love doing that?' She replies: 'Because I really miss mine'.

********

A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning. He said 'Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach.

Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn that comes to your mind' The pastor shouted out 'CROSS.' Immediately the congregation started singing in unison, 'THE OLD RUGGED CROSS.'

The pastor hollered out 'GRACE.' The congregation began to sing 'AMAZING GRACE, how sweet the sound.'

The pastor said 'POWER.' The congregation sang 'THERE IS POWER IN THE BLOOD.' The Pastor said 'SEX' The congregation fell into total silence.

Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other afraid to say anything.

Then all of a sudden, way from in the back of the church, A little 87 year old grandmother stood up and began to sing 'MEMORIES.'

********

CINDERELLA wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her.

As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promised to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions.

'First, you must wear a diaphragm.' Cinderella agrees. 'What's the second condition?' 'You must be home by 2:00 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin.

Cinderella agrees to be home by 2:00 a.m. The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5:00 a.m. Cinderella shows up, looking love struck and very satisfied.

'Where have you been?' demands the Fairy Godmother. 'Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!' 'I met a prince, Fairy Godmother.

He took care of everything' The Fairy Godmother stated, 'I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!' Cinderella replied, 'I can't remember, exactly; Peter, Peter, something or other.'

*******

Viagra is now available in powder form for your tea!

It doesn't enhance your sexual performance but it does stop your biscuit going soft.

******

MOTHER'S

2008-05-08T22:37:00.002+10:00

Hi ...This is for all the mother around the world,we here in Australia will celerbrate

"MOTHER"S DAY" this coming Sun 11th May.

***************************

After 21 years of marriage, my wife wanted me to take another woman out to dinner and a movie.

She said, 'I love you, but I know this other woman loves you and would love to spend some time with you.

The other woman that my wife wanted me to visit was my Mother, who has been a widow for 19 years, but the demands of my work and my three children had made it possible to visit her only occasionally.

That night I called to invite her to go out for dinner and a movie.

'What's wrong, are you well,' she asked? My Mother is the type of woman who suspects that a late night call or a surprise invitation is a sign of bad news.

'I thought that it would be pleasant to spend some time with you, 'I responded 'just the two of us.

She thought about it for a moment, and then said, 'I would like that very much.'That Friday after work, as I drove over to pick her up I was a bit nervous.

When I arrived at her house, I noticed that she, too, seemed to be nervous about our date. She waited in the door with her coat on.

She had curled her hair and was wearing the dress that she had worn to celebrate her last wedding anniversary.

She smiled from a face that was as radiant as an angel's. 'I told my friends that I was going to go out with my son, and they were impressed,' she said, as she got into the car.

'They can't wait to hear about our meeting.'We went to a restaurant that, although not elegant, was very nice and cozy.

My Mother took my arm as if she were the First Lady.After we sat down, I had to read the menu.

Her eyes could only read large print. Half way through the entrees, I lifted my eyes and saw Mother sitting there staring at me.

A nostalgic smile was on her lips. 'It was I who used to have to read the menu when you were small, 'she said.'

Then it's time that you relax and let me return the favor,' I responded. During the dinner, we had an agreeable conversation nothing extraordinary but catching up on recent events of each other's life.

We talked so much that we missed the movie.As we arrived at her house later, she said, 'I'll go out with you again, but only if you let me invite you.'

I agreed.'How was your dinner date?' asked my wife when I got home. 'Very nice, much more so than I could have imagined,' I answered.

A few days later, my Mother died of a massive heart attack.It happened so suddenly that I didn't have a chance to do anything for her.

Some time later, I received an envelope with a copy of a restaurant receipt from the same place Mother and I had dined.

An attached note said: 'I paid this bill in advance. I wasn't sure that I could be there; but nevertheless, I paid for two plates - one for you and the other for your wife.

You will never know what that night meant for me. I love you, son.'At that moment, I understood the importance of saying in time: 'I love YOU' and to give our loved ones the time that they deserve.

Nothing in life is more important than your family. Give them the time they deserve, because these things cannot be put off till 'some other time.

'Somebody said it takes about six weeks to get back to normal after you've had a baby.... somebody doesn't know that once you're a Mother,'normal' is history.

Somebody said you can't love the second child as much as you love the first....somebody doesn't have two or more children.

Somebody said the hardest part of being a Mother is labor and delivery ....somebody never watched her 'baby' get on the bus for the first day of kindergarten ....or on a plane headed for military 'boot camp.

'Somebody said a Mother can stop worrying after her child gets married ....somebody doesn't know that marriage adds a new son or daughter-in-law to a Mother's heartstrings.

Somebody said a Mother's job is done when her last child leaves home ....somebody never had grandchildren.

Somebody said your Mother knows you love her, so you don't need to tell her ....somebody isn't a Mother.

This isn't just about being a Mother; it's about appreciating the people in your lives while you have them....no matter who that person is.

*********** ************** *************

BACK HOME

2008-04-20T12:25:00.009+10:00

Hi All,well I'm home from Melb.

I had my camera with me while I was away,you may not believe me but never had it out of the case.

Thank god for friends, on my return home Jen picked me up and took photos shown here.

Thomas our cat was pleased to see me
After his cuddle {Thomas's} we had a cuppa and just talked,Jen was still here but dont know where she was hiding.

Hope to tell you all about the trip in my next post,but without pics it's not the same.

I must get off my butt and get back into the swing of things.

******************************

Reflections!

One day, in the confessional, a man said to the priest, "Father, it has been one month since my last confession.

I've sinned: I've had sex with Fannie Green every week for the last month." The priest told the sinner, "Don't do it any more.

If you repent you are forgiven. Go and say three Hail Mary's." Not long after, another man entered the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've sinned:

I've had sex with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months." This time the priest asked, "Now, who is this Fannie Green?" "A new woman in the neighbourhood," the sinner replied.

"Very well," said the priest. "Don't do it any more. If you repent you are forgiven. Go and say ten Hail Mary's."

The next morning in church, the priest was preparing to deliver his sermon when a gorgeous, tall woman entered the church.

All the men'seyes followed her as she slowly moved up the aisle and sat down in the front row. Her dress was green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes.

The priest and altar boy gasped quietly as the woman sat down with her knees slightly spread apart (Sharon Stone Style). The priest turned to the altar boy and asked in a whisper, "Is that Fannie Green?" The altar boy replied, "No Father, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes".

"SURPRISE"

2008-03-22T19:43:00.008+11:00

Hi all yes it's really me, it was Cazz that shamed me into this and I love her heaps.

Hope you all had a great Easter,I'm heading down to Melbourne next month{April}.

When I return hopefully with some photos I will post again,cant leave you with-out a joke so here goes.

****************************************************

Luck of the Irish

********************

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!' Miraculously, a parking place appeared.Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one

******************

Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy.. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step.

As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump.

A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful managing not to yell.

Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding.

He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed

in the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room.

She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'Flynn said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?''Well,' Mary said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

*********************************

The Cowboy

*********************

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife she was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job one was gay and the other a drunk she thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied decided to hire the gay guy, figuring
it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching for weeks, the two of them worked and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, you have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great you should go into town and kick up your heels the hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came however, and he didn't return two o'clock and no hired hand finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her unbutton my blouse and take it off,' she said trembling, he did as she directed 'now take off my boots,'he did as she asked, ever so slowly'now take off my socks.'

He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots,'now take off my skirt,' he slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light'now take off my bra.

'Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor then she looked at him and said, if you ever wear my clothes into town again you're fired.

******************************************

Ohhhh .. Let There Be Music

2008-03-19T04:41:00.006+11:00

<----- This is was me, Cazz, patiently waiting, but I cant wait any longer, I shall explain !!!

Gwen has nagged and nagged at me for ages, so feeling slightly guilty and with a bit of time on my hands, I searched my archives for her requested song, it took awhile to format it, upload it etc, but eventually I waved my magic wand, and hey presto

shes' now got music on her blog,

but she hasn't even added a post.

So I thought I'd stir her up a bit and add one myself !!!!!

Get to it mate, stop slacking off !!!

XXXXOOOOXXXX

"BELLY LAUGHS"

2008-02-07T14:04:00.000+11:00

THE BOTTLE OF WINE

For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, or wish you weren't married, this is something to smile about the next time you see a bottle of wine:

I was driving home from one of my business trips in Northwest when I saw an elderly Aboriginal man walking on the side of the road outside of Hedland.

As the trip was a long and quiet one, I stopped the car and asked the man if he would like a ride with a silent nod of thanks, the man got into the car.

Resuming the journey, I tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the old Aboriginal Man.

The old man just sat silently, looking intently at everything he saw, studying every little detail, until he noticed a brown bag on the seat next to me.

"What in bag?" asked the old man. I looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my wife.

The Aboriginal man was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, he said: "Good trade....."

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
A Somalian arrives in Sydney as a new immigrant to Australia
He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says,
"Thank you Mr. Australian for letting me in this country, giving me
housing, food stamps, free medical care, and free education!"
The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am a New Zealander."

The man goes on and encounters another passerby. " Thank you for
having such beautiful country here in Australia!"
The person says, "I not Australian, I Vietnamese."

The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops,
shakes his hand and says, "Thank you for the wonderful Australia!"
That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Middle East, I am
not Australian!"

He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an Australian?"
She says, "No, I am from Africa!"
Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the Australians?"
The African lady checks her watch and says...."Probably at work."

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Women are evil by nature

A sexy woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub...
She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.

She seuctively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers.As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," he replied."Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?" "Yes.
I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.
"Tell him," she whispered, "there's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
RULES OF BEDROOM GOLF......

1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play, normally one club and two balls.

2. Play on a course MUST be approved by the owner of a hole.

3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club into the hole and keep the balls out of the hole.

4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.

5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict the length of the club to avoid damage to the hole.

6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that the play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.

7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course with special attention to well formed bunkers.

8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage a player's equipment for this reason.

9. Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear along just in case.

10. Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have become irate if they discover someone else playing what they consider to be a private course.

11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players should be advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case.

12. Players are advised to obtain the course owner's permission before attempting to play the back nine.

13. Slow play is encouraged! However, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the owner's request.

14. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.

15. The course owner will be the sole judge of who is the best player.

16. Players are advised to think twice before considering membership at a given course. Additional assessments may be levied by the course owner and the rules are subject to change. For this reason, many players prefer to continue to play several different courses.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

"LAUGH TIME"

2008-01-19T03:30:00.000+11:00

"TREE HUGGER"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

While walking through Golden Gate Park in San Francisco, a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree.

Seeing this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?""I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied.

You've gotta be kiddin' me.""No, would you like to give it a try?"Understandably curious, the man says, "Well, OK..." So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it.

With this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then stripped him naked and left.

Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked and asked, "What the heck happened to you?"He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there.

When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said, "This just ain't gonna be your day, cupcake..."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Ostrich
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.

TheWaitress asks for their orders The man says, "A hamburger, fries and acoke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same,"says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be£9.40 please," she says and the man reaches into his pocket and pullsout the exact amount for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "Ahamburger, fries, and a coke."

The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact amount.For a while this becomes routine until the two enter again later in theweek. "The usual?" asks the waitress.

"No, this time it's a treat, so I will have a steak, baked potato, andsalad," says the man. "Yep! Same," says the ostrich. Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be £32.62." Once againthe man pulls the exact amount out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir.How do you manage to always come up with the exact money from yourpocket every time?""Well," says the man, "several years ago I was clearing the attic andfound an old lamp.

When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, Iwould just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.

That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a couple of million pounds or something, but you'll always be as rich asyou want for as long as you live!""That's right.

Whether it's a pint of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exactmoney is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?"The man sighs, pauses, and replies, "My second wish was for a tall birdWith a big arse and long legs who agrees with everything I say."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all.

He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table.

And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean.

So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him from the bathroom mirror.

Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:

'Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian.

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.

His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, 'Son... What happened last night?' 'Well Dad, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind.

You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.

Confused, he asked his son, 'So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??'

His son replies, 'Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed,

'Leave me alone, I'm married!!' Broken Coffee Table $239.99 Hot Breakfast $4.20 Two Aspirins $.38 Saying the right thing, at the right time: PRICELESS

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Abby

The following are actual letters that Abigail Van
Buren (Dear
Abby) admitted she was at a total loss to answer:

Dear Abby,
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me.
One is a
middle-aged gym teacher, and the other is a social
worker in
her mid twenties. These two women go everywhere
together, and
I've never seen a man go into their apartment or come
out.
Do you think they could be Lebanese?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Abby,
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What can I do about all the sex, nudity, language and
violence
on my VCR?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Abby,
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I have a man I never could trust. He cheats so much
I'm not
even sure this baby I'm carrying is even his.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Abby, ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I am a twenty-three- year-old liberated woman who has
been on
the pill for two years. It's getting expensive, and I
think
my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't
know him
well enough to discuss money with him.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Abby,

Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy
who was
raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Abby,
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it.
Now, how do
I get out?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Abby,
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My forty-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist
$50 an
hour every week for two- and-a-half years. He must be
crazy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Abby,
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Do you think it would be all right if I gave my doctor
a little gift? I tried for years to get pregnant and
couldn't, and he did it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Abby,
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My mother is mean and short-tempered. Do you think she is
going through her mental pause?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Abby,
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You told some woman whose husband had lost all
interest in sex to send him to a doctor.

Well, my husband lost all interest in sex years ago and he IS a doctor. What
now?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Helpful Farmer

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An Amish farmer walking through his field, notices a man drinking from his pond, with his hand. The Amish man shouts: "Trink das wasser nicht. Die kuhen haben dahin gesheissen." Which means: "Don't drink the water, the cows have shit in it." The man shouts back: "I'm a Muslim, I don't understand your gibberish. Speak English, infidel!" The Amish man says: "Use two hands, you'll get more."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"HELPS TO LAUGH"

2008-01-04T08:52:00.000+11:00

DYNAMITE

You will be cut down to size.....even by a blonde!

The body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says, "What a greatchest you have."He tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, baby.

"He takes off his pants and the blonde says, "What massive calves you have."The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, baby.

"He then removes his underwear and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear.

The body builder puts his clothes back on andchases after her.

He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that.The blonde replies, "I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I sawhow short the fuse was."

*****************************************

Irish Confession -

Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?" "Yes, Father, it is.

"And, who was the woman you were with?"
"I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well
tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?" "I cannot say."

"Was it Patricia Kelly?" "I'll never tell." "Was it Liz Shannon?"
"I'm sorry, but I can't name her."

"Was it Cathy Morgan?" "My lips are sealed."
"Was it Fiona McDonald, then?" "Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy
Shaughnessy, and I admire that.

But you've sinned, and you must atone. You cannot attend church mass for three months. Be off with you now."

Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers,
"What'd you get?" " Three months vacation and five good leads"

*********************************************

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy.

The new law was that in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day on the day that you died.

The policy would go into effect at noon the next day.
So the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven.

The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly asked the man, "Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died."

"No problem," the man said. "I came home to my 25th-floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife having an affair.

But her lover was nowhere in sight I immediately began searching for him.

My wife was half naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment.

Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips!

The nerve of that guy! Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he Fell to the ground.

But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die. This ticked me off even more.

In a rage, I went back inside to get the first heavy thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator.

I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him!

The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly." The Angel sat back and thought a moment.

Technically, the guy did have a bad day,it was a crime of passion. So, the Angel announced, "OK, sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in.

A few seconds later the next guy came up. To the Angel's surprise, it was John Howard." Mr. Howard, before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died."

Johnnie said, "No problem. But you're not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of a 26th floor apartment where we were staying for a conference doing my daily exercises.

I had been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side!

Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers.

Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom which broke my fall, so I didn't die right away.

As I'm lying there face up on the ground, unable to move and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator of all things off the balcony.

It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly." The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as Johnnie finishes his story.

"I could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself. "Very well," the Angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and he lets Howard enter.

A few seconds later, Shane Warne comes up to the gate. The Angel is almost too shocked to speak. Thoughts of demon bowlers or car accidents pour through the Angel's head.

Finally he says, "Mr Warne , please tell me what it was like the day you died." Shane says, "OK, picture this. I'm naked, inside a refrigerator......."

*******************************************

"JOKES FOR FRIENDS"

2007-11-28T19:06:00.000+11:00

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

*********************

WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?'
'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.'

**************************

WHO DOES WHAT

A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, 'You should do it because you get up first,
and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.

The husband said, 'You are in charge of cooking around here and
you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.'

Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.' Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.'

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says . 'HEBREWS'

*******************************

The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home
and were giving each other the silent treatment.

Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him
at 5:0 0 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him,
when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

*****************************

Cake or Bed.

A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS, HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY? IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW.

HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY, FIX THE LIGHTS NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE GE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO.

FINE, THEN THE WIFE ASKS, WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT TO WHICH HE REPLIED, FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WESTINGHOUSE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?

I DON'T THINK SO FINE, SHE SAYS THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS TO THE FRONT DOOR? THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK I'M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON'T WANT TO FIX STEPS.

HE SAYS, DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE ACE HARDWARE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU. I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!!!

SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS................................... HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES TO GO HOME.

AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED

AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE, HE SEES THE HALL LIGHT IS WORKING. AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.

HONEY, HE ASKS, HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED? SHE SAID, WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT OUTSIDE AND CRIED.

JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM

HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE.

HE SAID, SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE? SHE REPLIED, HELLOOOOO.. DO YOU SEE BETTY CROCKER WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!

***********************
LIVE WILL

Last night, my friend and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her,"I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle, and if that ever happens, just pull the plug."She got up, unplugged the TV and threw out my wine.She's such a Bitch . . . . . .

********************

"FINISHED PRODUCT"

2007-11-17T00:26:00.000+11:00

Those that saw my earlier post on our knitting saturdays,I can now show you the finished garments.

They are knee rugs great for cold winter nights when you are sitting watching telly
Lto R Jan ,Pauline, [Jan's sister] and yours truly.

**********************************************

BACK TO SAY HI"

2007-11-09T06:42:00.000+11:00

The Letter

A father passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up.

Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad.' With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.

'Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you.

I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.

But it's not only the passion Dad she's pregnant,Stacy said that we will be very happy She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.

We share a dream of having many more children Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't, really hurt anyone.

We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better She sure deserves it!! Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren love, your son, Joshua.

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true I'm over at Jason's house I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on my desk.

I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home

####################################

Three Men On A Hike

Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large raging, violent river needing to get to the other side, the first man prayed:

"God, please give me the strength to cross the river." Poof! ... God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.

After witnessing that, the second man prayed: "God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river"

Poof! ... God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.

Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed: "God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the river"

Poof! .... He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.

##############################

An Australian Poem

The sun was hot already - it was only 8 o'clock the cocky took off in his Ute, to go and check his stock.

He drove around the paddocks checking wethers, ewes and lambs,the float valves in the water troughs, the windmills on the dams.

He stopped and turned a windmill on to fill a water tank and saw a ewe down in the dam, a few yards from the bank.

"Typical bloody sheep," he thought, "they've got no common sense,"They won't go through a gateway but they'll jump a bloody fence.

"The ewe was stuck down in the mud, he knew without a doubt she'd stay there 'til she carked it if he didn't get her out.

But when he reached the water's edge, the startled ewe broke free and in her haste to get away, began a swimming spree.

He reckoned once her fleece was wet, the weight would drag her down if he didn't rescue her, the stupid sod would drown.

Her style was unimpressive, her survival chances slim he saw no other option, he would have to take a swim.

He peeled his shirt and singlet off, his trousers, boots and socks and as he couldn't stand wet clothes, he also shed his jocks.

He jumped into the water and away that cocky swam he caught up with her, somewhere near the middle of the dam.

The ewe was quite evasive, she kept giving him the slip he tried to grab her sodden fleece but couldn't get a grip.

At last he got her to the bank and stopped to catch his breath she showed him little gratitude for saving her from death.

She took off like a Bondi tram around the other side he swore next time he caught that ewe he'd hang her bloody hide.

Then round and round the dam they ran, although he felt quite puffed he still thought he could run her down, she must be nearly stuffed.

The local stock rep came along, to pay a call that day he knew this bloke was on his own, his wife had gone away.

He didn't really think he'd get fresh scones for morning tea but nor was he prepared for what he was about to see.

He rubbed his eyes in disbelief at what came into view for running down the catchment came this frantic-looking ewe.

And on her heels in hot pursuit and wearing not a stitchthe farmer yelling wildly "Come back here, you lousy bitch!"

The stock rep didn't hang around, he took off in his car the cocky's reputation has been damaged near and far.

So bear in mind the Work Safe rule when next you check your flocks spot the hazard, assess the risk, and always wear your jocks!

########################

Let Him Dig

An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other when they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night.

The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life! " Neighbours feared him.

They believed he practiced black magic, because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighbourhood the old man liked the fact that he was feared.

To everyone's relief he died of a heart attack when he was 98, his wife had a closed casket at the wake after her neighbours, concerned for her safety, asked.

"Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life?"

The wife put down her drink and said, "Let him dig. I had him buried upside down....

###############################

"TRY AGAIN"

2007-10-04T12:28:00.000+10:00

Italian Pregnancy

An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her
period for 2 months.

Very worried, the mother goes to the chemist and buys a
pregnancy kit.

The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "who was the pig that did
this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a
Ferrari stops in front of their house.

A mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and
tells them:

"Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't
marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge.

I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her
life.

Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail
stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank
account.

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a
$4,000,000 bank account.

If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.
However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand
firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You try again."

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Rude Customers

An award should go to the Virgin Airlines gate attendant in Sydney some weeks ago for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travellers.

Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS".

The attendant replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out.

" The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"

Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: "May I have your attention please, may I have your attention please," she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal.

"We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said, "F... You!" Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry sir, but you'll have to fly QANTAS for that service."

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

THE CABBIE

A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and
notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop
staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring. He replies: "I have a
question to ask, but I don't want to offend you" She answers, " My son, you cannot offend me.

Whenyou're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I
have, you get a chance to see and hear just about
everything.

I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss
me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do aboutthat - 1) You have to be single and 2) You must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"
"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driverstarts crying.

"My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?"

"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must
confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party".

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

A bloke walks into a bar in New Zealand and orders a shandy.All the Kiwis sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see anotherAustralian visitor.

The barman says, "You not from around here, hey bro?"The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada.

"The bartender says, "What do you do in Cenada?"The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender says, "A tixidermist? What the hick is a tixidermist? Doyou drive a tixi?"" No, a taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi.

I mount animals."The bartender grins and yells,He's okay boys. He's one of us hey."

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

"OUR KNITTING SATURDAYS"

2007-09-15T17:35:00.000+10:00

Well once again Saturday is here and the Knitters are too.

Our Knitting Saturdays are great fun, and gives us a chance

to get together and have a chat over a cuppa.

Here we are from L-R Pauline,Jan, and meIt's great to have

nice friends and these are two of the best.

Friends
>>>>>>>>>>

It's hard to find a friend who is

95% Talented

96% Funny

97% Sexy

98% Loving

99% Intelligent

and 100% Sweet

So ................ Don't lose me, okay?

"LAUGH TIME"

2007-08-11T14:56:00.000+10:00

11 PEOPLE ON A ROPE
##########

Eleven people were hanging on a rope,under a helicopter10 men and 1 woman.

The rope was not strong enough to carry themall, so they decided that 1 had to leave because otherwise they were all going to fall.

They weren't able to choose that person until the woman gave a very touching speech.

She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids or for men in general.

And was used to always making sacrifices with little in return, and as soon as she finished her speech all the men started clapping .......

#######################

Old Timer Sex

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago?

We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you." Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?" Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to
himself, he thinks to himselfI've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence.

I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks.

Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence, the old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers.

As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in then suddenly
they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen.

This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning
and screaming finally they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed, he thinks he has learned something about
life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.

The Policeman is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes he says to them excuse me, but that was
something else.

You must've had a fantastic sex life together, is there some
sort of secret to this?"

Shaking the old man is barely able to reply, "Fifty years ago that
wasn't an electric fence."

###############

GRANDMA :

The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a honk if you love Jesus bumper sticker.

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put in on my bumper.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is and I didn't notice that the light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed I found that lots of people love Jesus.

Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy and when he leaned out of his window and screamed, "for the love of God, GO! GO!"

What an exuberant cheer leader he was for Jesus ,he started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people,I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love.

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach...I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.

When I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back.

My grandson burst out laughing, why even he was enjoying this religious experience.
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changedso I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.

I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

####################

The value of a Catholic education and a #2 pencil

You don't even have to be Catholic to appreciate this one little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School .. Usually she slept through the class.

One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping. "Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?"

When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear. "God Almighty!" shouted Mary Margaret.

The Nun said, "Very good" and continued teaching her class. A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, "Who is our Lord and Savior?" But Mary didn't stir from her slumber.

Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt. "Jesus Christ!!!" shouted Mary Margaret and the Nun once again said, "Very good," and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.

The Nun asked her a third question..."What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" Again, Johnny came to the rescue.

This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"

The nun fainted...........

#######################

Golf

A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course, became confused as to where he was on the course.

Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole hewas playing.

She replied, 'I'm on the 7th hole, and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.' He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine the same thing happened; and he approached her again with the same request.

She said, I'm on the 14th hole, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th hole.' Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.

He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar he asked the bartender if he knew the lady.

The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often. He approached her and said, 'Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help.

I understand that you are in the sales profession. I'm in sales also. What do you sell?' She replied, 'If I tell you, you'll laugh.' 'No, I won't.'

'Well, if you must know,' she answered, 'I work for Tampax.' With that, he laughed so hard he almost lost his breath.

She said, 'See I knew you would laugh.' 'That's not what I'm laughing at,' he replied. 'I'm a toilet paper salesman, so I'm still a hole behind you.'

#####################

AUSTRALIAN LOVE POEM

Of course I love ya darling You're a bloody top notch bird.

And when I say you're gorgeous I mean every single word .

So ya bum is on the big side I don't mind a bit of flab.

It means that when I'm readyThere's somethin' there to grab.

So your belly isn't flat no moreI tell ya, I don't care so long as when I cuddle ya I can get my arms round ya.

There's no sheila who is your age who has nice round perky breasts .

They just gave in to gravityBut I know ya did ya best.

I'm tellin ya the truth now I never tell ya lies.

I think its very sexy That you've got dimples on ya thighs.

I swear now on me Nanna's grave the moment that we met.

I thought you was as good as I was ever gonna get.

No matter wot you look likeI'll always love ya dear.

Now shut up while the footy's on and fetch another beer!

################################

"ALTERATIONS"

2007-07-24T12:26:00.000+10:00

Just thought I would let you know that while not blogging we have not been idle,

it seemed like a good time for Brian [hubby] to make some changes for me.

Above you see the bare essentials before the additions.

Here Brian gets started on the job.

Above he is still on the job, but getting closer to finishing

Above the finished product installed,not bad for a back yard chippie [Carpenter]

P.S.You didn't think I would let you go without a joke.

GRANDMA :

The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a honk if you love Jesus bumper sticker.

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put in on my bumper.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is and I didn't notice that the light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticedI found that LOTS of people love Jesus.

Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and when he leaned out of his window and screamed, "for the love of God, GO! GO!" What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus.

Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving peopleI even honked my horn a few times to share in the love.

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach...I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.

When I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back.

My grandson burst out laughing why even he was enjoying this religious experience,a couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed,so I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

"INDIAN MATEING SEASON"

2007-06-24T22:35:00.000+10:00

Two Indians and a West Virginia Hillbilly were walking through the woods.

All of a sudden one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.

"Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"he called into the cave and listened closely until he heard an answering, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo! He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Hillbilly was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about.

"Was the other Indian crazy or what?" The Indian replied "No, It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful woman in there waiting for us.

"Just then they came upon another cave. The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" Immediately, there was the answer.

"Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"from deep inside.He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.The Hillbilly wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then spied a third large cave.

As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, "Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave!It is bigger than those the Indians found.

There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!" He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might"Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"Like the others, he then heard an answering call, "WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!"

With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran.

The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read....(Get ready, this will kill ya),NAKED HILLBILLY RUN OVER BY TRAIN

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Dear God,

First, my car broke down
I was very late for work
But I missed that awful accident
Was that your handiwork?

I found a house I loved
But others got there first
I was angry, then relieved
When I heard the pipes had burst!

I know you're watching over me
And I'm feeling truly blessed
For no matter what I pray for
You always know what's best!

I have this circle of E-mail friends,
Who mean the world to me;
Some days I "send" and "send,"
At other times, I let them be.

I am so blessed to have these friends,
With whom I've grown so close;
So this little poem I dedicate to them,
Because to me they are the "Most"!

When I see each name download,
And view the message they've sent;

I know they've thought of me that day,
And "well wishes" were their intent.

So to you, my friend, I would like to say,
Thank you for being a part;
Of all my daily contacts,
This comes right from my heart.

God bless you all is my prayer today,
I'm honored to call you "friend";
I pray the Lord will keep you safe,
Until we write again.

Happiness comes through doors you didn't know you left open

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

This explains why I send you jokes.

A man and his dog were walking along a road.

The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead.

He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years.

He wondered where the road was leading them.

After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road.

It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight .

When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother-of-pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold.

He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side when he was close enough, he called out, 'Excuse me, where are we?' 'This is Heaven, sir,' the man answered.

'Wow! Would you happen to have some water?' the man asked. 'Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up.' The man gestured, and the gate began to open.

'Can my friend,' gesturing toward his dog, 'come in, too?' the traveler asked. 'I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets.

The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog.

After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed.

There was no fence. As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book.

'Excuse me!' he called to the man. 'Do you have any water?' 'Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there, come on in. 'How about my friend here?' the traveler gestured to the dog.

'There should be a bowl by the pump.' They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it. The traveler filled the water bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog.

When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree. 'What do you call this place?' the traveler asked. 'This is Heaven,' he answered.

'Well, that's confusing,' the traveler said. 'The man down the road said that was Heaven, too.' 'Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope.

That'shell.' 'Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?' 'No, we're just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave their best friends behind.

'So. Sometimes, we wonder why friends keep forwarding jokes to us without writing a word. Maybe this will explain.

When you are very busy, but still want to keep in touch, guess what you do? You forward jokes.

When you have nothing to say, but still want to keep contact, you forward jokes.

When you have something to say, but don't know what, and don't know how, you forward jokes.

Also to let you know that you are still remembered, you are still important, you are still loved, you are still cared for, guess what you get? A forwarded joke.

So , next time if you get a joke, don't think that you've been sent just another forwarded joke, but that you've been thought of today and your friend on the other end of your computer wanted to send you a smile.

You are all welcome @ my water bowl anytime

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

"THE WOODEN BOWL"

2007-06-15T05:51:00.000+10:00

I guarantee you will remember the tale of the wooden bowl tomorrow,a week from now,a month from now, a year from now.

A frail old man went to live with his son,daughter-in-law,and four year old grandson.
The old man's hands trembled,his eyesight was blurred,and his step faltered.
The family ate together at the table,but the elderly grandather's shaky hands and failing sight made eating difficult.
Peas rolled off his spoon onto the floor,when he grasped the glass milk spilled on
the table cloth.
The son and daughter-in-law became irritated with the mess,we must do something about
father said the son."I've had enough of his spilled milk,noisy eating,and food on the floor"
So the husband and wife set a small table in the corner.There Grandfather ate alone
while the rest of the family enjoyed dinner.
Since Grandfather had broken a dish or two,his food was served in a wooden bowl!
When the family glanced in Grandfather"s direction,sometime he had a tear in his eye as he sat alone.
Still,the only words the couple had for him were sharp admonitions when he dropped
a fork or spilled food.
The four-year-old watchd it all in silence,one evening before supper,the father noticed his son playing with wood scaps on the floor.
He asked the child sweetly,"What are you making?"JUst as sweetly,the boy responded,
"Oh,I am making a little bowl for you and Mama to eat your food in when I grow up.
"The four-year-old smiled and went back to work.
The words so struck the parents so that they were speechless,the tears started to
stream down their cheeks.
Though no word was spoken ,both knew what must be done.
That evening the husband took Grandfathers hand and gently led him back to the family table.
For the remainder of his days he ate everymeal with the family.
And for some reason,neither husband nor wife seemed to care any longer when a fork
was dropped,milk spilled,or the tablecloth soiled.

On a positive note.
I've learned that,no matter what happens,how bad it seemstoday,life does go on,
and it will be better tomorrow.

I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles four things:a rainy day,the elderly,lost luggage,and tangled chrismas tree lights.

Iv'e learned that,regardless of your relationship with your parents,you'll miss
them when they have gone from your life.

I've learned that making a "living" is not the same thing as making a "life..."

I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance.

I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catche's mitt on both hands.
You need to be able to throw something back.

I've learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you.But if you focus on
your family,your friends,the needs of others,your work and doing the very best
you can,happiness will find you.

I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart,Iusually make the right decision.

I've earned that even when I have pains,I don't have to be one.

I've learned that every day,you should reach out and touch someone.People love
that human touch-- holding hands,a warmhug,or just a friendly pat on the back.

I've learned that I still have a lot to learn!

Giggles

2007-05-23T23:26:00.000+10:00

Marriage is Sharing

****************

The sharing of marriage the old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.

He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.

He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.

As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.

Obviously they were thinking, "That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them."

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple.

The old man said, they were just fine they were used to sharingeverything people closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite.

She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them.

This time the old woman said "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything."

Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin,

the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked "What is it you are waiting for?"

She answered "THE TEETH."

***************************************************

Contagious
**********************

Voted Best Joke in Ireland 2006 .

A teacher asks her class to use the word "contagious".

Roland the teacher's pet, gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and my mum said it was contagious." "Well done, Roland," says the teacher.

"Can anyone else try?" Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious."
"Well done, Katie," says the teacher.

"Anyone else?"

Little Irish Sean jumps up and says in a broad Dublin accent, "Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a 2 inch brush, and my dad says it will take contagious."

********************************

Why I fired my secretary

*********************

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well
waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast
hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!"
and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy Birthday." I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids.... They will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, "Good Morning Boss,
and by the way Happy Birthday ! "It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock , when Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know,
It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me."

I said, "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day.
Let's go !" We went to lunch.

But we didn't go where we normally would go.
She chose instead at a quite bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day...
We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We ?" I responded, "I guess not.

What do you have in mind ?" She said, "Let's drop by my apartment,
it's just around the corner."

After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said,
" Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom
for just a moment.

I'll be right back." "Ok." I nervously replied.
She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes,
she came out carrying a huge birthday cake ...

Followed by my wife,
my kids, and dozens of my friends
and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday".

And I just sat there... On the couch... Naked.

******************************

" My 7 random facts"

1..I'm a real family person.

2..Play bowls.

3..Enjoy a joke.

4..Enjoy my friends.

5..Like a social drink.

6..Gradma of 16 +1 great g/child.

7..Just enjoy life in general.

*************

Now I tag Meow!!

"THE AFTER LIFE"

2007-05-06T12:55:00.000+10:00

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and
inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife.
After a long and very happy life, the husband was the first to go, and
true to his word he made contact, "Wilma, Wilma ".

"Is that you, Fred?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, off round
the golf course, I have sex, I bathe in the sun, and then I have sex
twice.

I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty
much all afternoon.

After supper, golf course again. Then have sex until late at night.
The next day it starts again."

"Oh, Fred you surely must be in heaven."

"Not exactly, I'm a rabbit on a Golf Course."

*************************************

FORREST GUMP GOES TO HEAVEN

*************************************

The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven.
He is met at thePearlyGates,bySt. Peter himself.

However, the gates are closed, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper. St. Peter said, "Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you.

We have heard a lot about you I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven."

Forrest responds, "It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. I sure hope that the test ain't too hard. Life was a big enough test as it was."

St. Peter continued, "Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.

First:
What two days of the week begin with the letter T?

Second:
How many seconds are there in a year?

Third:
What is God's first name?"

Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and says, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over,
tell me your answers"

Forrest replied, "Well, the
first one -- which two days in the week begins with the letter "T"?
Shucks, that one is easy. That would be Today and Tomorrow."

The Saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, "Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit
for that answer.

How about the next one?" asked St. Peter.
"How many seconds in a year? Now that one is harder," replied Forrest, but I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve."

Astounded, St. Peter said, "Twelve?
Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds
in a year?" Forrest replied, "Shucks, there's
got to be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd... "

"Hold it," interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you are going with this, and I see your point,
though that was not quite what I had in mind....but I will have to give
you credit for that one, too.

Let us go on with the third and final question.
Can you tell me God's first name"?

"Sure," Forrest replied,
"it's Andy." "Andy?" exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St Peter.
"Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?"

"Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied. "I learnt it from the song,

"ANDYWALKS WITH ME,
ANDY TALKS WITH ME,
ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN."

St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates, and said: "Run Forrest, run."

*****************************************
Give me a sense of humor, Lord.
Give me the ability to understand a clean joke,
To get some humor out of life,
And to pass it on to other folks.
*****************************************
The sportsmans double.
******************************
I pulled an older woman at a club last night.She was a right sort for 57, we drank a bit, had a bit of a snog & sheasked if I'd ever had the sportsman’s double, a mother and daughter 3 some?I said no.We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was my lucky night.I went back to her place.She put the hall light on & and shouted upstairs:
"Mum you still awake?"

********************************************

"BED TIME"

2007-04-25T20:23:00.000+10:00

TAKING A WOMAN TO BED
############

What is the difference between girls/woman Aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58. 68, and 78 ?

At 8 -- You take her to bed and tell her a story.

At 18 -- You tell her a story and take her to bed.

At 28 -- You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.

At 38 -- She tells you a story and takes you to bed.

At 48 -- She tells you a story to avoid going to bed.

At 58 -- You stay in bed to avoid her story.

At 68 -- If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!

At 78 -- What story??? What bed??? Who the hell are you???

############

It always pays to check After a long night of making love to his new girlfriend, Fred notices a photo of a man on her bedside table.

At first, he really didn’t give it much thought; she had never mentioned it so why should he.

But after a month or so he begins to obsess about it; even imagining the photo is staring at him during sex. It’s causing him so much anxiety that he finally decides to ask about it.

“Is this your ex-husband?” he nervously asks. “No, silly,” she replies, snuggling up to him. “Another boyfriend, then?” he continues.

“No, not at all,” she says, nibbling away at his ear. “Is it your dad or your brother?” he inquires, hoping to be reassured.

“No, no, no!!!” she answers. “Well, who in the hell is he, then?” he demands. “That’s me before the surgery.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"THE STUTTERING KITTY"

2007-04-23T02:15:00.000+10:00

A teacher was explaining biology to her 4th grade students.

"Human beings are the only animals that stutter",she said.

A little girl raised her hand."I had a kitty-cat

who stuttered", she volunteered.

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories become,

asked the girl to descibe the incident.

"Well, she began," I was in the back yard with my kitty and the rottweiler

who lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped

over the fence into our yard!"

"That must've been scary",said the teacher."

"It sure was", said the little girl."My kitty went' Fffff,Fffff,Fffff'_

and before he could say "F**k!" the rottweiler ate him!"

Joke of the day:

A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police. "What are these matches and lighter fluid doing in your car?" asks the cop.

"I'm a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act."

"Oh yeah?" says the doubtful cop. "Lets see you do it." The juggler gets out and starts juggling the blazing torches masterfully.

A couple driving by slows down to watch. "Wow," says the driver to his wife. "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're giving now!"

"HAPPY EASTER"

2007-04-01T22:28:00.001+10:00

As I will be visiting my daughter over Easter,I will be off line
for a week plus.
I wish you and your families a very happy Easter see you all
on my return.

"THE HONEYMOON"

2007-04-01T21:29:00.000+10:00

A young couple got married and went on a cruise for their honeymoon.
When they arrived home from the honeymoon, the bride immediately called her mother, who lived a couple of hours away.

"Well, darling," said her mom, "how was the honeymoon?"
"Oh, mother," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic, we had a terrific time! But, mother, as soon as we returned, Sam began using really horrible language...

Stuff I'd never heard before... Really terrible 4-letter words... You've got to come get me and take me home. PLEASE MOTHER!"
And the new bride began to sob over the telephone.

But honey," the mother countered, "WHAT 4-letter words?"
"I can't tell you, mother," said the daughter, "they're too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE!"
"Darling daughter, you must tell me what has you so upset... Tell mother the 4-letter words!"

Still sobbing, the bride said, "Mother.... he is using words like:

DUST... WASH... IRON... COOK!

88888888888888888888888888888888888888888888

Joke of the day:

The owner of a small deli was being questioned by the IRS about his tax return. He had reported a net profit of $80,000 for the year.

"Why don't you people leave me alone?" the deli owner said. "I work like a dog, everyone in my family helps out, the place is only closed three days a year. And you want to know how I made $80,000?"

"It's not your income that bothers us," the agent said. "It's these deductions. You listed six trips to Bermuda for you and your wife."

"Oh, that," the owner said smiling. "I forgot to tell you - we also deliver

888888888888888888888888888888888888888

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer.
Suddenly, the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.

" The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want". The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking.

The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources.
I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things.

Take a little more time and think of something that would honour and glorify me. "
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife.

I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothings wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy.

"The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

88888888888888888888888888888888888888888888

"NEED WASHING"??

2007-03-20T12:35:00.000+11:00

NEED WASHING??

A little girl had been shopping with her Mom in Target.
She must have been 6 years old, this beautiful red haired, freckle faced image of innocence.

It was pouring outside. The kind of rain that gushes over the top of rain gutters, so much in a hurry to hit the earth it has no time to flow down the spout.

We all stood there under the awning and just inside the door of the Target. We waited, some patiently, others irritated because nature messed up their hurried day.

I am always mesmerized by rainfall. I got lost in the sound and sight of the heavens washing away the dirt and dust of the world.

Memories of running, splashing so carefree as a child came pouring in as a welcome reprieve from the worries of my day.

The little voice was so sweet as it broke the hypnotic trance we were all caught in "Mom let's run through the rain," she said.

"What?" Mom asked. "Lets run through the rain!" She repeated. "No, honey. We'll wait until it slows down a bit," Mom replied.

This young child waited about another minute and repeated: "Mom, let's run through the rain," "We'll get soaked if we do," Mom said. "No, we won't, Mom.

That's not what you said this morning," the young girl said as she tugged at her Mom's arm. This morning? When did I say we could run through the rain and not get wet?

"Don't you remember? When you were talking to Daddy about his cancer, you said, 'If God can get us through this, he can get us through anything!"

The entire crowd stopped dead silent. I swear you couldn't hear anything but the rain. We all stood silently. No one came or left in the next few minutes.

Mom paused and thought for a moment about what she would say. Now some would laugh it off and scold her for being silly.

Some might even ignore what was said. But this was a moment of affirmation in a young child's life. A time when innocent trust can be nurtured so that it will bloom into faith.

"Honey, you are absolutely right. Let's run through the rain. If GOD let's us get wet, well maybe we just needed washing," Mom said.

Then off they ran. We all stood watching, smiling and laughing as they darted past the cars and yes, through the puddles.

They held their shopping bags over their heads just in case. They got soaked. But they were followed by a few who screamed and laughed like children all the way to their cars.

And yes, I did. I ran. I got wet. I needed washing. Circumstances or people can take away your material possessions, they can take away your money, and they can take away your health.

But no one can ever take away your precious memories...So, don't forget to make time and take the opportunities to make memories everyday.

To everything there is a season and a time to every purpose under heaven. I HOPE YOU STILL TAKE THE TIME TO RUN THROUGH THE RAIN.

They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them, but then an entire life to forget them.

ST PATRICK'S DAY

2007-03-17T12:02:00.000+11:00

"Hi Everybody"

Just popped in to wish all my blogger friends

"A HAPPY ST PATRICK'S DAY"

And introduce you all to my 1st G/granddaughter

"AMELIA ELIZABETH"

Who arrived to join our family on this day 2 years ago.

And below as she is today.

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY MILI"

Love Nan & Pop. xoxoxo Hugs Galore.

"SCHITT"

2007-03-09T08:52:00.000+11:00

The lineage is finally revealed.Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says,
"You don't know Jack Schitt."Now you can intellectually handle the situation.

Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O.Schitt. Awe Schitt,the fertilizer magnate, married
O.Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt Inc. They had one son Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple produced 6 children:
Holie Schitt,Fulla Schitt,Giva Schitt,Bull Schitt,and the twins: Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parent's objections,Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop out.
However, after being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.

Noe Schitt later remarried Ted Sherlock,and because her kids were living with them,
she wanted to keep her previous name.

She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock,Meanwhile,Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt,
and they produced a son of nervous disposition, Chicken Schitt.

Two other of the 6 children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout
childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.

The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt -Happens wedding.
The Schitt Happens children were Dawg, Byrd and Hoarse.

BullSchitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world.He recently returned from Italy
with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

So now when someone says,"You don't know Jack Schitt,"you can correct them.
Family History Recorded By Crock O.Schitt.

"YA' GOTTA' LUV THE IRISH"

2007-02-28T21:37:00.000+11:00

Ya' gotta' luv the Irish!

*Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an
important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.

Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me.
If you find me a parking place I will go to **Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and
give up me Irish Whiskey!"

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."*

Father **Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first
man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?" The man said, "I do, Father."
The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."

Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to
heaven?" "Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.
"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to
go to heaven?" O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."

The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that
when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a
group together to go right now"

*Paddy was in **New York. He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy
street crossing.
The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay, pedestrians.Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.

He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the
sidewalk. After the cop had shouted, "Pedestrians!" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"*

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney
"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"
"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"*

*An Irish priest is driving down to **New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut.
The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?" "Just water," says the priest.
The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"*

*Walking into the bar, **Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour
me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."
"Oh yeah?" said Charlie, "And how did this one end?"

"When it was over," Mike replied, "She came to me on her hands and knees.
"Really," said Charles, "Now that's a switch! What did she say?"
She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken."*

*Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his
drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his
wife, **Mary.
He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their
upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step.

As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he
landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket
broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and
looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and
bleeding.
He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and
began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.
In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and
butt and Mary staring at him from across the room.

She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"
Flynn said, "Why you say such a mean thing?"

"Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.*

"SOMETHING TO BE RETURNED"

2007-02-14T18:39:00.000+11:00

"SOMETHING TO RETURN"

Keep this in mind when you have something to return and the store gives you a hard time
A woman went to a K-Mart service counter and told the clerk she wanted a refund for the toaster she bought because it won't work.

The clerk told her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special. Suddenly, the woman threw her arms up in the air and started screaming, "PINCH MY NIPPLES,PINCH MY NIPPLES,PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!!!!"The befuddled clerk ran away to get the store manager in front of a growing crowd of customers.

The manager comes to the woman and asks,"Ma'am what's wrong?" She explained the problem with the toaster, and he also told her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.

Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and screamed,"PINCH MY NIPPLES,PINCH MY NIPPLES,PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!"and doing so draws an even bigger crowd! In shock, the store manager pleads, "Ma'am, why are you saying that?" In a huff, the woman says, "BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE MY NIPPLES PINCHED WHEN I'M BEING SCREWED!!"

The crowd broke into applause and her money was quickly refunded!

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

"SWEET REVENGE"

To my darling husband,Before you return from your overseas trip I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with the ute when I turned into the driveway.

Fortunately, not too bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don'tworry too much about me.

I was coming home from K-Mart, and when I turned into the driveway I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake.

The garage door is slightly bent but the ute fortunately came to a halt when it bumped into your car.I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you will forgive me.

You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart.

I am enclosing a picture for you. I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.

Your loving wife, XXX

P.S. Your girlfriend called

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

"STRAWBERRY PATCH"

2007-02-08T23:25:00.000+11:00

This is Pauline after another day of picking strawberries.

Jan needed support to hold herself up.

Donna and her husband Brett leaving the field after picking their quota.

Here I'm holding up the work ute.

I have kept the best till last, here is Jan who went" A Over T"and that happened

before we took off.

We told her we wont take her with us again if she cant hold her liquor!!!

EVEN AFTER THE FALL AT THE START, SHE GOT UP AND A GREAT DAY WAS HAD BY ALL.....WELL DONE MATE !!

"GROWING OLD"

2007-01-30T04:28:00.000+11:00

How true is this.

BORN BEFORE 1986?According to today's regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who were kids in the 60's, 70's and early 80's probably shouldn't have survived, because our baby cots were covered with brightly coloured Lead-based paint which was promptly chewed and licked.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, or latches on doors or cabinets and it was fine to play with pans.
When we rode our bikes,we wore no helmets, just flip-flops and fluorescent 'spokey dokey's'on our wheels.

As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or airbags and riding in the passenger seat was a treat.
We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle and it tasted the same.
We ate chips, bread and butter pudding and drank fizzy juice with sugar in it, but we were never overweight because we were always outside playing.

We shared one drink with four friends, from one bottle or can and no-one actually died from this.We would spend hours building go-carts out of scraps and then went top speed down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes.

After running into stinging nettles a few times, we learned to solve the problem.We would leave home in the morning and could play all day, as long aswe were back before it got dark. No one was able to reach us and no one minded.
We did not have Playstations or X-Boxes, no video games at all. No 99 channels on TV, no videotape movies, no surround sound, no mobilephones, no personal computers, no DVDs, no Internet chatrooms.
We had friends - we went outside and found them. We played elastics and rounders, and sometimes that ball really hurt!
We fell out of trees, got cut, and broke bones but there were no law suits.

We played knock-the-door-run-away and were actually afraid of the owners catching us.We walked to friends' homes.
We also, believe it or not, WALKED to school; we didn't rely on mummy or daddy to drive us to school, which was just round the corner.

We made up games with sticks and tennis balls. We rode bikes in packs of 7 and wore our coats by only the hood.

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke a law was unheard of...they actually sided with the law.This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers and problem solvers and inventors, ever.

The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.
We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all.And you're one of them.
Congratulations!to others who have had the luck to grow as real kids,before lawyers and government regulated our lives, for "our own good".For those of you who aren't old enough, thought you might like to read about us.This my friends, is surprisingly frightening......and it might put a smile on your face:

The majority of students in universities today were born in 1986....
The Uptown Girl they know is by Westlife not Billy Joel.They have never heard of Rick Astley, Bananarama, Nena Cherry or Belinda Carlisle.
For them, there has always been only one Germany and one Vietnam.AIDS has existed since they were born.

CD's have existed since theywere born.Michael Jackson has always been white.To them John Travolta has always been round in shape and they can't imagine how this fat guy could be a god of dance.They believe that Charlie's Angels and Mission Impossible are films from last year.

They can never imagine life before computers. They'll never have pretended to be the A-Team, the Dukes of Hazzard or the Famous Five.They can't believe a black and white television ever existed.
And they will never understand how we could leave the house without a mobile phone.Now let's check if we're getting old...1. You understand what was written above and you smile.2. You need to sleep more, usually until the afternoon, after a night out.
3.Your friends are getting married/already married 4. You are always surprised to see small children playing comfortably with computers.5. When you see children with mobile phones, you shake your head.6. Having read this, you are thinking of forwarding it to some other friends because you think they will like it too...Yes, you're Getting old!!

"RETIREMENT PLAN"

2007-01-18T16:05:00.000+11:00

RETIREMENT BONUS

**********
The American Navy found they had too many officers and decided
to offer an early retirement bonus.

They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch
measured in a straight line between any two points in his body.

The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes.

He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes.

He walked out with $96,000.

The third one was a noncommissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "From the
tip of my weenie to my testicles."

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two officers had received.

But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.

The medical off icer arrived and instructed the Chief to "drop 'em," which he did.

The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the
Chief's weenie and began to work back.

Dear Lord!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?" The old Chief calmly replied, "Vietnam."

************

"THE IRISH"

2007-01-09T16:02:00.000+11:00

" Two Irishmen"

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle.
They head to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, 'Dat's dem.
'The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.

'Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere, ' says Gerry.
The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.

Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of theConnor Pass.

At the Connor Pass , Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, 'Dis looks like a grand place.

' He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.
Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.

Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, 'Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me! 'THERE'S MORE. . .

Moment's later, Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass.
He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other.

'Hi, Paddy. Watch dis, ' Seamus says. He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free.
He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun.
Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot.

Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.
Paddy shakes his head and says, 'And I'm never trying dat parrot shooting either!

'IT IS NOT OVER YET. . .

Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears.
He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken.

Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.

Once more Paddy shakes his head. 'Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry withn his budgiejumping, den Seamus parrot shooting. . . and now Sean and his fook'n hengliding!'

"NEW YEAR STARTS"

2007-01-01T17:59:00.000+11:00

"PEST CONTROL"
woman was having a passionate affair with
an inspector from a pest control company.

One afternoon they were

carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

"QUICK," said the woman to her lover,"into the closet!"and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious and a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet."Who are you?"he asked him.

"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,"said the exterminator.
"What are you doing in there?"the husband asked.

"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied.
"And where are your clothes?"asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said...."Those little b......s."

********
"THE BROTHEL TRIP"

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night.

Surprised,she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
"I'm 90 years old," he says."90" replies the woman.

"Dont you realize you've had it?" "Oh, sorry," says the old man.
"How much do I owe you?"

********

"SANTA"

2006-12-17T14:00:00.000+11:00

A Christmas Story

T'was the night before Christmas--Old Santa was pissed.

He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.

Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks.

I have a good mind to scrap the whole works!I've busted my ass for damn near a year,Instead of "Thanks Santa"--what do I hear?The old lady bitches cause I work late at night.

The elves want more money--The reindeer all fight.

Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids.

Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS.

And just when I thought that things would get betterThose assholes from the IRS sent me a letter,They say I owe taxes--if that ain't damn funny Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money?

And the kids these days--they all are the pitsThey want the impossible--Those mean little shits

I spent a whole year making wagons and sledsAssembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads I made a ton of yo yo's--No request for them,They want computers and robots...they think - I'm IBM!

Flying through the air...dodging the treesFalling down chimneys and skinning my knees

I'm quitting this job there's just no enjoymentI'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment.

.There's no Christmas this year now you know the reason,I found me a blonde. I'm going SOUTH for the season

THIS IS THE END FOR THE SEASON

SEE YOU ALL IN "2007"

"CHRISTMAS GREETINGS"

2006-12-16T16:48:00.000+11:00

"TO ALL MY BLOGGER FRIENDS"

I would sincerly like to wish you all a very

"MERRY CHRISTMAS"

to your family from mine an a prosperous new year..

"CLEANING"

2006-12-15T21:22:00.000+11:00

! MY PHILOSOPHY OF HOUSECLEANING!
I don't do windows because ... I love birds and don't want one to run into a clean window and get hurt.
I don't wax floors because ... I am terrified a guest will slip and get hurt then I'll feel terrible( plus they may sue me.)

I don't mind the dust bunnies because ... They are very good company, I have named most of them, and they agree with everything I say.

I don't disturb cobwebs because ... I want every creature to have a home of their own.
I don't Spring Clean because ... I love all the seasons and don't want the others to get jealous .

I don't pull weeds in the garden because ... I don't want to get in God's way, HE is an excellent designer!
I don't put things away because... Nobody will ever be able to find them again.

I don't do gourmet meals when I entertain because.. . I don't want my guests to stress out over what to make when they invite me over for dinner.

I don't iron because... I choose to believe them when they say "Permanent Press".

I don't stress much on anything because ... "A Type" personalities die young and I want to stick around and become a wrinkled up crusty ol' woman!!!! REMEMBER . . . .

"SIGNS"

2006-12-11T18:11:00.000+11:00

I love these signs!!

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
...... "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

In a Podiatrist's office:
..... "Time wounds all heels."

On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon:
..... "Yesterday's Meals on Wheels"

On another Septic Tank Truck:
....."We're #1 in the #2 business"

At a Proctologist's door:
..... "To expedite your visit please back in."

On a Plumber's truck:
..... "We repair what your husband fixed."

On another Plumber's truck:
..... "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

On a Church's Billboard:
..... "7 days without God makes one weak."

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
..... "Invite us to your next blowout."

On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door:
..... "Hello. Can we pick your nose?"

At a Towing company:
..... "We don't charge an arm and a leg we want tows."

On an Electrician's truck:
..... "Let us remove your shorts."

In a Non-smoking Area:
..... "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

On a Maternity Room door:
..... "Push. Push. Push."

At an Optometrist's Office :
..... "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

On a Taxidermist's window:
..... "We really know our stuff."

On a Fence:
..... "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"

At a Car Dealership:
..... "The best way to get back on your feet... miss a car payment."

Outside a Muffler Shop:
..... "No appointment necessary... We hear you coming."

In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
..... "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

At the Electric Company:
..... "We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don't, you will be."

In a Restaurant window:
....."Don't stand there and be hungry... Come on in and get fed up."

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
..... "Drive carefully. We'll wait."

At a Propane Filling Station:
....."Thank heaven for little grills"

And don't forget this sign at a Chicago Radiator Shop:
....."Best place in town to take a leak !"

=======================================================

"GRANDSONS BIRTHDAY PRESENT"

A woman goes into Myers to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday.

She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.

The Myers salesman is standing there, wearing dark shades.

She says, "Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Madam, I'm completely blind; but, if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes."

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-lb.Test line.

It's a good all around combination, and it's on sale this week for $44."

She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound Of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"

As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

"Oh, that sounds like a Visa card,"he says.

As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she accidentally farts.

At first she is really embarrassed but then realizes there is no way the
blind salesman could tell it was she who had farted.

The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $58.50 please."

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me It
was on sale for $44. How did you get to $58.50?"

"The Duck Caller is $11 and the Fish Bait is $3.50."

***********

"THE WORD HELLO"

2006-12-10T14:01:00.000+11:00

H=How are you?

E= Everything all right?

L= Like to hear from you

L= Love to see you soon!

O=Obviously, You are my friend...

So, HELLO!

It has made me smile every time I say hello since then
so send this message to the people you care about.
Just thinking of you!
I only sent this to people that I knew would NOT break
the chain or that believe in the power of prayer.

May today there be peace within you. May you trust your
God that you are exactly where you are meant to be.

"I believe that friends are quiet angels who lift us to our feet when
our wings have trouble remembering how to fly."

hope you are drinking from your saucer too.....

I've never made a fortune, and it's probably too late now.But I don't worry about that much,
I'm happy any how and I go along life's way,I'm reaping better than I sowed.
I'm drinking from my saucer,'Cause my cup has overflowed. Haven't got a lot of riches,and sometimes the going's toughBut I've got loving ones all around me,and that makes me rich enough.
I thank God for his blessings,and the mercies He's bestowed.I'm drinking from my saucer,'Cause my cup has overflowed.I remember times when things went wrong,My faith wore somewhat thin.But all at once the dark clouds broke,and the sun peeped through again.

So Lord, help me not to gripe,about the tough rows I have hoed.I'm drinking from my saucer,'Cause my cup has overflowed.If God gives me strength and courage,When the way grows steep and rough.I'll not ask for other blessings,I'm already blessed enough.

And may I never be too busy,to help others bear their loads.Then I'll keep drinking from my saucer,'Cause my cup has overflowed.When I think of how many people in this world have it worse than I do, I realize just how blessed we really are.
Don't be too busy today...

To share this inspiring message with friends and family
Love never gives up,
never loses faith,
is always hopeful, and endures.

"MY BIRTH PLACE"

2006-12-06T23:31:00.000+11:00

I was born in a place called Richmond, which is an inner suburb of Melbourne.
We were a family of 10 of which my Mother reared 4 ,two girls and two boys

Below is the house in Cremorne St where I lived aged 3yrs it's had a face lift since we lived there.

Below is my first school in cremorne st, it is now a part of " Richmond Tafe"

I was surprised to see the old school, but to see my old house was still there was unreal.

Below are a couple of well known land marks around richmond I remember," Bryant and May"

on the right of matches was the factory that manafactured them.

. . " Pelaco Shirts " a well known brand of shirt here in Australia

also located in Richmond.

I have many memories of "Richmond which I will share with you later on.

"RICHMOND"

2006-12-03T22:00:00.000+11:00

Brief History of Dimmeys and Forges

In 1853, the drapery store known as Dimelow & Gaylard was established in Swan St, Richmond, an inner Melbourne suburb.
Locals soon nicknamed the store Dimmeys and by the turn of the century the popular name had stuck so the owners registered Dimmeys Model Stores as the trading name.

The Richmond shop was extensively damaged by fire in 1905 but was repaired and trade on.
The existing store was built in 1907 incorporating the magnificent clocktower, (there are no
numbers on the clock, but the letters "Dimmys Stores" represent the numbers).

The dome on top of the tower was originally made of ruby coloured glass and each evening candles were lit inside the dome making a red orb that could be seen for miles.

However, with the threat of attack by the Germans, blackouts were strictly enforced in Melbourne and the Dimmeys dome could no longer be lit up.
Due to deterioration the glass panels were replaced with the present day copper coverings.

Recognised by the Melbourne "Age" Newspaper in 1998 as Melbourne’s No. 1 icon, Dimmeys has been a beacon for bargain shoppers for 147 years.

Dimmeys current day owners have maintained the original owners simple philosophy and that is to "Give the Customer a Bargain" so you can look forward to buying national brand and imported menswear, ladieswear, childrenswear, manchester, homewares, giftware, footwear & hardware at huge savings off recommended retail prices because at Dimmeys "You get more than you bargain for".

How do they do it?
Dimmey’s buyers are expert at finding national brand over-runs, end of ranges and goods with slight imperfections in large quantities which enables them to sell this merchandise at 40–70% off recommended retail price.

WHEN YOU’RE 152 YEARS OLD YOU’VE GOT TO BE DOING SOMETHING RIGHT!

The great thing about working for Dimmeys is the fact that we work for a company that is part of Australia’s retail history.
It is arguable as to whether Dimmeys, David Jones or Gowings (a Sydney menswear store) is Australia’s oldest retail store, but regardless which one it is (I think it is us) just think of the changes the world has seen since Dimmeys has been trading.

I Fixed It !!!

2006-11-27T21:00:00.000+11:00

Hey Gwen,

Okay my sweet, I've fixed up the music, and added a play list of 5 songs, naturally of your choice !!!
The order of play didnt come over as selected, but hey, I tried !!!!

Now your music is playing, and hopefully you can hear it after we did a little fine tuning of your NEW wizz bang computer ... don't you just love puters ... great when working .. but a right pain when they stop !!!

Anyway my friend, glad I could help ... now please take note:

*** Next Blog Class will be held on the weekend following christmas .. 31st December, and as this is also New Years Eve, dont forget to bring your grog .. and OHHHH a special treat for the teacher always goes down well .. extra "brownie points" .. NO apples please .. but LOVE chocolate .. ROFLMAO.

Talk soon,

Hugs & kisses

Cazz

"GUARDIAN ANGELS"

2006-11-20T19:51:00.000+11:00

Two traveling angels stopped to spend the night in the home of a wealthy family.
The family was rude and refused to let the angels stay in the mansion's guest room.
Instead the angels were given a small space in the cold basement.
As they made their bed on the hard floor, the older angel saw a hole in the wall and repaired it.
When the younger angel asked why, the older angel replied,"Things aren't always what they seem.
"The next night the pair came to rest at the house of a very poor, but very hospitable farmer and his wife.
After sharing what little food they had the couple let the angels sleep in their bed where they could have a good night's rest.
When the sun came up the next morning the angels found the farmer and his wife in tears.
Their only cow, whose milk had been their sole income, lay dead in the field.
The younger angel was infuriated and asked the older angel how could you have let this happen?
The first man had everything, yet you helped him, she accused.The second family had little but was willing to share everything, and you let the cow die.
"Things aren't always what they seem," the older angel replied.
"When we stayed in the basement of the mansion, I noticed there was gold stored in that hole in the wall.
Since the owner was so obsessed with greed and unwilling to share his good fortune, I sealed the wall so he wouldn't find it.
""Then last night as we slept in the farmers bed, the angel of deathcame for his wife. I gave him the cow instead.
Things aren't always what they seem."Sometimes that is exactly what happens when things don't turn out the way they should.
If you have faith, you just need to trust that every out come is always to your advantage.
You just might not know it until some time later...
Some people come into our lives and quickly go..
Some people become friends and stay awhile.... leaving beautiful footprints on our hearts... and we are never quite the same because we have made a good friend!!
Yesterday is history.
Tomorrow a mystery.Today is a gift.
That's why it's called the present! I think this is special...live and savor every moment... This is not a dress rehearsal!

TAKE THIS LITTLE ANGEL
AND KEEP HER CLOSE TO YOU
SHE IS YOUR GUARDIAN ANGEL
SENT TO WATCH OVER YOU

**************************************

"JEN MY MATE" Some times in life, you find a special friend.
Some one who changes your life just by being part of it.
Some one who makes you laugh until you can't stop;
Some one who makes you believe that there really is good in the world.
Some one who convinces you that there really is an unlocked door just waiting for you to open it.
"THANKS JEN"

"OUR TRIP TO MELBOURNE"

2006-11-18T15:02:00.000+11:00

We started off with good intentions, never wanted to drink too much but we did anyway.

Never wanted to spend too much, we managed to do that alright"BOY"that wasn't easy.

But all that considering we done very well, and had a ball then again we always do together.

Just when we thought it was safe to stay home, my daughter Janine phoned asking can we deliver her car.

Well you guessed it, back to Melbourne we go but this one would be a lot easier we thought Ha!!.

And this probably would have been the case, if a certain person(who will remain nameless)
didn't leave her mobile in a fish shop on the other side of town.

"BUT I WOULDN'T HAVE MISSED IT FOR QUID'S"

"LAUGH IN"

2006-11-09T00:05:00.000+11:00

He said . . .. I don't k now why you wear a bra; you've
got nothing to put in it. She said .. . You wear pants don't you?
He said .. . .Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said . . That's a good idea - you stand by the
ironing board while I sit on the sofa.
He said . . .. What have you been doing with all the
grocery money I gave you?
She said . Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
On a wall in a ladies room . .. "My husband follows
me everywhere" Written just below it . " I do not"

Q. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the
world does it take to do the dishes?
A. Both of them.

Q. How does a man show that he is planning for the
future?
A. He buys two cases of beer .
Q. What is the difference between men and government
bonds?
A. The bonds mature.
Q.. Why are blonde jokes so short?
A. So men can remember them.

Q How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A. We don't know; it has never happened.

Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A.. A widow.

Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?
A. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

Q. What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
A. They're married.
****************************************
Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so
beautiful?" G od says: "So you would love her."
But God," the man says , "why did you make her so
dumb?" God says: "So she would love you."
********************************************

"A LITTLE FLAB"

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife,pinched her on the butt and said,"If you firmed this up, we could get rid of your control top pantyhose."
While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent.The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said,"You know, if you firmed these up,we could get rid of your bra"This was beyond a silent responce.So she rolled over and grabbed him by his 'DANGLER'.With a death grip in place, she said,"You know,if you firmed this up,we couldget rid of the Gardener,the Postman, the Pool-man and your Brother."

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

"DON'T MESS WITH GRANDMA!

An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and,upon returning to her car

found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle.

She dropped her shopping bags and drew her hand gun,proceeding

to sceam at the top of her voice,"I have a gun,and I know how to use it!

Get out of the car..!!"

The four men didn't wait for a second invitation.They got out and ran like mad.

The lady some what shaken,then proceededto load her bags into the back of

the car and got into the driver's

She was so shaken that she could not get the key into the ignition.

She tried and tried,and then it dawned on her why.

A few minutes later,she found her own carparked four or five spaces farther down

She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station.

The sergeant to whom she toldthe story couldn't stop laughing.

He pointed to the other end of the counter,where four pale men were reporting

a car jacking by a mad ,elderly woman described as white,less than five feet

tall,glasses,curly white hair,and carrying a large hand gun.

"IF YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE A SENIOR MOMENT,MAKE IT A

MEMORABLE ONE"

***********************************************

"ODE TO A MAMMOGRAM"

2006-11-03T15:00:00.000+11:00

"ODE TO A MAMMOGRAM"

For years'and years they told me"Be careful of your breasts Don't ever squeeze
or bruise them And give them monthly tests."

So I heeded all their warnings and protected them by law.....
Guarded them very carefully And always a bra I wore.

After 30 years of careful care the doctor found a lump
He ordered a mammogram to look inside that clump.

"Stand very close,"she said as she got my tit in line
"And tell me when it hurts,"she said"Ah yes!There!That's just fine."

She stepped upon a pedal...I could not believe my eyes!
A plastic plate was pressing down...my boob was in a vice!!!

My skin was stretched'n streched from way up by my chin
And my poor tit was being squashed to Swedish pancake thin!!!

Excruciating pain I felt within its vice-like grip
A prisoner in this vicious thing my poor defenceless tit!

"Take a deep breath,"she said to me who does she think she's kidding?
My chest is smashed in her machine I can't breathe and woozy I am getting.

"There that was good,"I heard her say as the room was slowly swaying
"Now lets's get the other one."Lord,have mercy,I was praying.

It squeezed me from the up and down It squeezed me from both sides
I'll bet she's never had this done to her tender hide!

If I had no problem when I came in I surely have one now....
If there had been a cyst in there it would have popped ***ka pow.

This machine was made by a man of this I have no doubt....
I'd like to get his balls in there for months he'd go without!!!!

"L.O.L"

2006-10-28T21:47:00.000+10:00

In Truth..A Good Choice for Georgie Boy...
George Bush has a heart attack and dies Obviously,he goes to hell
where the devil is waiting for him.
"I'm not sure what to do,"says the devil your'e on my list but have no room for you.
As you definitely have to stay here,so I'm going to let some-one else go.
I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you,Ill let one of them go,
but you have to take their place."I'll even let you decide who leaves."
George thought that sounded pretty good, so he ageed.
The devil opened the first room,in it were Richard Nixon and a large pool of hot water.
He kept diving in and out,over and over such was his fate in hell.
"NO"George said.."I dont think so I'm not a good swimmer and dont think I could stay in hot water all day."
The devil led him to the next room,in it was Tony Blair with a sledge hammer and a room full
of rocks.
All he did was swing the hammer,time after time.
"NO!"I've got this problem with my shoulder,I would be in constant agony if all I could
do was break rocks all day" commented George.
The devil opened a third door, in it George saw Bill Clinton lying on the floor his arms staked
over his head and his legs staked in a spread-eagle pose.
Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky,doing what she does best.
George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said,"Yeah,I can handle this."
The devil smiled and said..."OK,Monica,your'e free to go!"

**************************************

DO YOU KNOW "ARRY" AWKINS
Two women met in a London street and one said to the other.Do you know "ARRY" Awkins
do I know "ARRY" AWKINS.Why it was only the other night my old man said to me: Go and get
a jug of beer!And who do you think I met? Why,"ARRY" AWKINS,and before I could say
Trafalgar Square he grabs me by the a..se,shoves me under a tree, downs me, ins me,outs me,
wipes his tally-whacker on me petticoat,drinks the old man's beer,p...es in the jug and walks
off whistling God Save the Queen-and you ask me if I know "ARRY" Awkins."

BLIMEY!!

***********************************

"A COUPLE OF FUNNIES"

2006-10-25T00:36:00.001+10:00

" It Comes To Us All"
Hazel was a 93-year-old woman,particularly despondent over the death of her husband, Earl.
She decided she would just kill herself and join him in death.
Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old army
pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart,since it was so badly broken
in the first place.
Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone,
she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on
a woman.
The doctor said, "Your heart would be just below your left breast."
Later, that night Hazel was admitted to the hospitalwith a gunshot wound to her knee.
**********************************

**A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back and forth.

A cop on the beat sees him and approaches"Can I help you sir?"****
**"Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr" the man replies.**
**The cop asks"Where was your car the last time you saw it?'**
**"It wasss on the end of thisshh key" the man replies."
**About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's weiner hanging out
of his fly for all the world to see.**
**He asks the man "Sir, are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"**
**Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without missing**
**a beat, blurts out.......**Holy shit.....My girlfriend's gone, too!!!!"***
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
"Dear Diary"
MONDAY: What a wonderful cruise this is going to be! I felt singulary honoured this evening. The Captain asked me to dine at his table.
TUESDAY: I spent the entire afternoon on the bridge with the Captain.
WEDNESDAY: The Captain made proposals to me unbecoming an officer and a gentleman.
THURSDAY: Tonight the Captain threatened to sink the ship if I do not give in to his indecent proposals!
FRIDAY: This afternoon I saved 1600 lives.
*********************************

"MEMORIES"

2006-10-24T09:38:00.000+10:00

While at a loose end,I was browsing through some photo's.
These were some that I found,I couldn't believe how the
years had flown by.
The photo above is our youngest boy Drew aged 8yrs old

This photo above shows his 2nd son Jesse

This is his 1st born Kane above " Brotherly Love" After having two more additions all here with dad,

this photo was taken just after their mother walked out on them

He is still careing for them,and I cant sing his praises enough.

From L-R Kane, Diane,Dad,Cory,Jesse,

They are now...12yrs,7yrs, 8yrs, 10yrs,

"SENIORS"

2006-10-20T14:52:00.000+10:00

What are seniors worth?...Remember,old folks are worth a fortune-
with silver in their hair, gold in their teeth,stones in their kidney,
lead in their feet and gas in their stomaches.

I have become a little older since I saw you last and a few changes
have come into mylife. Frankly,I have become a frivolous old girl,
i'm seeing five gentleman every day.

As soon as I wake up Will Power helps me out of bed.ThenI go to
see John, Next it's time for Uncle Toby to come along, followed
by Billy T.

They leave and Arthur Ritis shows up and stays the rest of the day,
He doesn't like to stay in one place very long so he takes me from joint to joint.
After such a busy day i'm really tired and glad to go to bed with Johnny Walker,
What a life! Oh yes, I'm also flirting with Al Zymer.
##############################################
P.S...The preacher came to call the other day, he said at my age I should
be thinking about the hereafter.
I told him, Oh I do, all the time!No matter where I am, if I'm in the parlour,
upstairs, in the kitchen or down in the basement, I ask myself: Now what am I here after?.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

"SENIORS ARE LEADING CARRIERS OF AIDS"....
Hearing Aids, Band Aids ,Roll Aids, Walking Aids,
Medical Aids, Goverment Aids,
***************************
Most of all:
Monetary Aids To Their Kids!!

The golden years have come at last
I cannot see, I cannot pee.
I cannot chew, I cannot skrew.
My memory shrinks, my hearing stinks.
No sense of smell, I look like hell.
My body is drooping, got trouble pooping.
The golden years have come at last,
The golden years can kiss my ASS!!!
##################################################

"REMEMBERING MY BLOG BREAK"

2006-10-17T18:35:00.000+10:00

Thought I would fill you in on my trip.
As my daughter Janine was driving me home after my visit,
And I was delivering my g/daugter home after spending her
school holidays with us, we went down on the train.

We arrived at my daughters, to find my youngest son was there.
I hadn't seen him for a while so it was a nice surprise .
This is Drew and Janine in the photo above

The next day being saturday sept30th, and Janine's birthday we
went to my other daughters at a place called Werribee for a B.B.Q.
Above with his dog and cluching a stubbie [BEER] is the son-inlaw.

Janine and Drew deep in conversation

This is Nicole my youngest daughter, with her
two daughters Bianca & Chantelle.

It seems that I wasn't the only one to have a break.

Dale & Nicole had just got back from the hospital ,with Dillon who had

come off his skate board earlier that day& broke his wrist.

"JOKES ARE ON ME"

2006-10-12T17:06:00.000+10:00

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower,
when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.
Before she says a word, Bob says,"I'll give you $800 to drop that towel".
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.
After a few seconds,Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks,"who was that?"
"It was Bob the next door neighbour,"she replies.
"Great"the husband says,"did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"
#####################################

MORAL OF THE STORY: If you share critical information pertaining to credit
and risk with your shareholders in time,you may be in a position to prevent
avoidable exposure..
**************************

A priest offered a nun a lift.She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said,"Father, remember Psalm129?" The priest removed his hand.
But, changing gears,he let his hand slide up her leg again.The nun once again
said,"Father,remember Psalm129?"
The priest apologised "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."Arriving at the convent,
the nun went on her way.
On his arrival at the church,the priest rushed to look up Psalm129. It said,
"Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

#####################################
MORAL OF THE STORY: If you are not well informed in your job,
you might miss a great opportunity:

**************************************

"Friendship"

2006-10-09T12:54:00.000+10:00

Friendship is a priceless gift

That can't be bought or sold.

It's value is far greater than

Mountains made of gold.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This face you may have seen before

he was my friend who

left us two years

ago this october.

This was another friend who also

left us too early

On a happier note this threesome

are still around taken prior to leaving

on my trip around australia

My friend Paula we met bowling and are

are still bowling together and are nieghbours

I've kept the best for last

The LADY on the right of the pic below

is my MOTHER
She was truly my friend [My Best Friend]

Even thoughI lost her 40 years ago December 1st
I have found many good friends since but

none like her and I suppose I never will.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

2006-09-27T10:22:00.001+10:00

"BLOG BREAK"

Just a short message to let you know ,i will be away for one week starting 29th sept-6th oct.
Hope you all miss my blogging efforts i'm going to visit family in Melbourne.
These "HUGS" will have to hold you all till i return ........Keep Well All.....Gwen.

"School Holidays"

2006-09-24T23:22:00.000+10:00

These are some of my grandchildren, from L to R Dillon,Diane,Cory,Chantelle,Jesse at the back
The school holidays started on September16th returning on October2nd.
Chantelle who will be 11yrs old in November,spent her holidays with us this year
it was nice having her .
We went over to Wangaratta which is 54 klms from Yarrawonga, to have lunch with
cousins who live there.
The day was great for the kids, as living so far away from each other they dont see
each other very often.
But as all good things must end, we are taking her home Friday 29thSept ready for school
on the 2nd Oct.
When we take her home we will call in and see our eldest daughter who turns 41 on
Saturday30th, we can celebrate whith dinner befor returning home next day.

"Belly Laughs"

2006-09-21T14:23:00.000+10:00

An old lady is, reflecting on her long life, when suddenly her fairy godmother appears and says that she will grant the old lady three wishes"well now. I guess I would like to be rich." says theold lady.***POOF*** her rocking chair turns to solid gold."And, I guess I wouldn't mind being a beautiful young princess."
***POOF*** she turns into a lovely young woman. When the fairy godmother is asking what her third wish will be, the old woman's cat wanders past, so she says:---"Can you change him into a handsome prince.?" ***POOF*** and there stands this most handsome fellow she could imagine. While staring at him, he saunters over to her and whispers in her ear:--- "Bet you're bloody sorry now you had me neutered.!!!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In the middle of harvesting the crop, a farmhand needs to obey the call of nature,so goes behind a tree, but whilst relieving himself, is stung by a bee right on the "tip."
He was in really unbearable pain naturally, but had heard of a good remedyfor such an occasion, so went over into the farmers kitchen and dropped his penis into a jug of buttermilk.
Just at that moment the farmers daughter came in, and with a very red face just stood and stared at him."have you never seen one of these before,?"he asked,to which she replied:--- "Oh yes,plenty;but this is the first time I've seen one being reloaded."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Patsy Cline Tribute

2006-09-19T23:39:00.000+10:00

"The Patsy Cline Show"

For the past 13 years, Barbara"a singer all her life", has been performing the Patsy Cline Show.

"All Barbara's clothes are made by the same dressmaker as Patsy Cline's in America".

There was a total of 8 costumes worn by Barbara during her performance, which we were

lucky enough to attend.

The show was at" Club Mulwala" one of three clubs we have in the area, the cost to members

was $35 that included two course dinner.

" Great Night Great Show"

After the show we were lucky enough to meet the lady herself

Remembering

2006-09-15T18:29:00.000+10:00

This is Brian (my hubby) & myself on our wedding day 21st December 1957.

Below is one of the many cards I have recieved from Brian over the years, and he always manages to find the card that expresses his feelings for me.

"REMEMBERING"

I may not think to bring you flowers

and in many ways I fail,

It's not because I love you less~

I'm just a typical male.

I may not think to take you out

to dine by candlelight,

But I always treat you with respect

and am, usually,polite.

Judge not my love by failings

rather by things I do

For I know that I could never find

another sweet as you.

No gift could ever truly express

the deep love I have

in my heart for you.

***************

Irish.Medical.Dictionary.

2006-09-13T21:36:00.000+10:00

Artery............ The study of Painting.

Bacteria.......... Back door to Cafeteria.

Barium............ What doctors do if patient Dies.

Bowel................ A letter like A.E.I.O.U.

Caesarian section.... A neighbourhood in Rome.

Cat-Scan........ .Searching for Pussy.

Cauterise....... Made eye contact with Her.

Coma......... Punctuation mark./. longer stay in Hospital.

D & C........... Where washington Is.

Dilate......... To live Longer.

Enema........ Opposite to Friend.

Fester........ Quicker

Fibula........ A small Lie

Genital....... Not a Jew.

G.I.Series......... A soldiers ball Game.

Hang-Nail......... Coat Hook.

Impotent......... Distinguished-Well Known.

Labour -Pain........ Getting hurt at Work.

Medical Staff......... Doctor's Cane.

Morbid............ Higher Offer.

Nitrates............... Cheaper than day Rates.

Node.......... Past tense of Known.

Outpatient........... A person who has Fainted.

Pap-Smear.............. A fatherhood Test.

Pelvis............... Elvis'Cousin.

Recovery-Room......... Place to do Upholstery.

Rectum............... Darn near Killed'em.

Secretion............... Hiding Something.

Seizure.............. Roman Emperor.

Tablet............ A small Table.

Terminal Illness......... Sick at the Airport.

Tumor............. More than One.

Urine............. Opposite of "you'reOut".

Varicose......... Not far Away.

Vein............ Conceited.

Dear Dorothy dix

2006-09-12T11:19:00.000+10:00

Dear Dorothy Dix.
I am a sailor in the Australian Navy my family lives in Perth Western Australia.My brother in law is a"pommie" living in Adelaide South Australia.My parents are disabled and unable to work,they depend on my two sisters who are prostitutes in Melbourne Victoria.
My brother is serving life for rape and burglary...I am going with an aboriginal prostitute,she solicits around the navy dock.She says she loves me but knows nothing of my family's background. We intend to marry as soon as her bigamy case is settled...me being white does not bother her at all.
When I get out of the navy we will open a whore house in Brisbane. My two sisters will work there and keep the business in the family.....My problem is this.....Due to the fact I will marry the girl and bring her into the family, should I tell about my brother in law being a "pommie"?????????

Opening Day At Yarrawonga Lawn Bowls

2006-09-07T13:40:00.000+10:00

The weather for the opening to our season was beautiful to say the least, we had twenty four players which allowed us to play triples. [Triples meaning teams of three a side playing two games of eight ends and I was lucky enough to be in the winning side].

Now that the season has offically opened we will play a competition we call pennant against other clubs in the surrounding districts, this means that teams will travel over

a hundred kilometers to compete. As our season progresses I will report on the clubs posistion.

Just Me Again

2006-09-04T23:57:00.000+10:00

Hi All
Just thought I would pop in to tell you of a friend who came over for a cuppa[ that is tea or coffee] that was on sunday and she left monday, I was'nt sure what it was my bottomless cup or her hollow legs for the lenght taken to have that cuppa.
I wont mention any names i'll just point now you all know who it is....HA.HA.
Our lawn bowls season starts 7th september really looking forward to getting back on the greens
to catch up with my old mates and make some new ones.
Getting a little better at this blogging caper and enjoying it so as time goes on i hope get right
into it.

A LETTER FROM AN IRISH MOTHER

Dear Son

Just a few lines to let you know I'm still alive,I'm writing this slowly becauseI know you can't read fast.

You wont know the house when you get home....cos we've moved.

Your Father has a lovely new job with 700 men under him... he cuts grass at the cemetery.

There was a washing machine at the new housebut it's not working too good.

Last week I put in 12 shirts, pulled the chain,and I haven't seen the shirts since.

Your sister Colleen had a baby this morning but I haven't found out if its a boy or a girl, so I don't know if you're an uncle or an aunt. Your Uncle Mick drowned last week in a vat of whisky at the Dublin Distillery. His mates tried to save him but he fought them off bravely.

He was cremated and it took four days to put the fire out

I saw the doctor last week and your Father went with me.Doc put a glass tube in my mouth and told me not to talk for five minutes.Your Father wanted to buy it from him.

It only rained twice this week,first for four days and then for three days.

We had a letter from the undertaker.

He said if the final payment on your Grandmothers grave wasn't paid in seven days~~~ up she comes~~~

___ Your Loving Mother xx

P.S..I was going to send you 10 dollars but I'd already sealed the envelope.

AGEING GRACEFULLY

May your bum stay firm & pert

May your boobies not head south.

May your lippy[lipstick] never bleed

Into thin lines round your mouth.

May you eat a ton of chocolate

But never gain a pound.

May you always look your best

Whenever Brad Pitt comes around.

May you never wear big pants

Or grow unwanted hair.

And if all else fails

MAY YOU BE TOO SLOSHED TO CARE.

An Aussie Ocker's Sayings

2006-09-04T01:08:00.000+10:00

AN AUSSIE OCKER AND HIS SAYING'S

G'Day Mate....

Pleased to make your acquaintance

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

He's Blotto

Inebriated beyond the capacity to stand up

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You little ripper

Words of praise fail me

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Rack Off

Your presence is no longer required

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Fair dinkum

Of course I'm telling the truth

~~~~~~~~~

Pull your head in!

You may be correct in your assertionbut shut up

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Wanna Rage ?

Would you like to drink vast amounts of alcohol with me

until we both drop

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You Drongo!

A rather dimwitted person

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Your Shout

If you value your well being you

should buy the next drink

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

GO ON

I'm not entirely convinced you knowwhat your talking about

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`~~~~~~~~~~~~

WHADAYAWANT?

~~Might I enquire about your needs ?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

HAVE A CHUNDER !

The delicate act of regurgition.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~``

YOU PONG

Dearme we do smell dont we .

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

BLOODY OATH!

I'Min total agreeance with you

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

HOWYA GOING?

May i enqire about your welfare ?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

GIVE IT A GO YOU MUG !

Are you perhaps incapable of perfoming the act ?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Name That Tune

2006-09-03T02:17:00.000+10:00

Love is just around the corner Teacher's Pet
The Desert Song
What's New Pussycat
Tulips from Amsterdam
Up up and away
You must have been a beautiful
Easter Parade
Chicken Dance

How Did Anyone Go Playing Name That Tune?

HAVE A LAUGH ON ME

2006-08-31T21:20:00.000+10:00

I thought once you were hooked this was your life

Does everyone think the same or is it
just beginners like me?

I bet this household wont own a computer

what do you think

And i thought i still had a lot to learn

I's not only men that frustrate
if i had to make a choice[hard one] Yeah push the button
vv

vv

I think mousey was trying to tell me something

but as usual i did'nt listen. Who in their right mind would ring this doorbell
and the thought of putting your finger on the button

the mind boggles

To a novice it would sound pretty dirty

O/K i can relate to safe sex but what ever happened to comfort.

BOWLING FRIENDS

2006-08-27T20:00:00.000+10:00

So whether they've been your friend for 20 minutes or 20 years,

on whatever the occasion, on whatever the day,

or wherever you need them to meet you with their bowls shoes and hat on

or to hold you back from making a complete fool of yourself .

those are your

best friends

Pat and Myself

At Mulwala bowls club.

Noel, Brian[my husband]

Alice Jan Pauline,[Jan's sister]

and myself at a dinner to celebrate the 25th Anniversary

of the BowlsClub.

Some happy memories of my time at Mulwala bowls above is the chorus line,

never before and never again will you see anything like it........Anywhere

Thank God if you only

knew what you missed?

GARDENS

2006-08-26T19:55:00.000+10:00

When we first moved to the area we had a relocatable,

home in a park called ''Sun Country Holiday Village".

This is a snap shot of the Gladiolus we grew while there.

Above you can see my young staghorn

This isAloevera

It has flowered for the last four years

and each year it has an extra bloom.

Asyou can see this is the first years only

showing 1 bloom we are now up to 4.

We have quite a few more additions now so hope to show you the

"Blooming Lot"....Joke.HA/HA/

TICKLE YOUR FUNNY BONE

2006-07-01T20:57:00.000+10:00

THE DENTIST'S VISIT
Man visits dentist and is told he needs to have a tooth extracted.
The man becomes agitated when he sees the needle and says to dentist
i cant stand needles , with that dentist says no trouble i will give you gas.
No" No" it has a bad effect on me too, he was then asked by dentist are
you alright taking tablets yes said the man.
With that dentist hands him two tablets what are they asks the man "VIAGRA'
i did'nt know they were any-good for pain.
They're not but you will need something to hang onto when i pull your tooth..

JEEVES

She called her man servant into her bedroom.

"Oh Jeeves." Please unzip my dress, and just let it fall to the floor"

With a great deal of embarrassment, he did so.

"Thank you Jeeves.Now please take off my stockings."

By now, Jeeves was in quite a sweat.

"That's wonderful Jeeves. You're doing just fine. And now i want you

to take off all my underwear----And if i ever catch you wearing them again,YOU WILL BE INSTANTLY DISMISSED."

PRIEST'S VISIT..

A priest had called on an elderly lady in a nursing home, to say her weekly prayers with her,

and to have a chat.During the visit he kept nibbling away at a bowl of peanuts on a table

beside her bed, and on leaving, realised that he'd eaten them ALL so apologisedto her.

But she just replied:--- "Oh. That's quite alright. These days i can't eat them,' cause

I'velost all my teeth.So i just put them in thst bowl after I've sucked all the chocolate

off them. ;;;;;;;;

"NEW NUN"

The new nun goes to her first confession, and tells the priest that she has a terrible secret.

The priest explains that her secret is safe in the sanctity of the confessional so she says:---

"Father,I never wear panties under my habit."The priest just chuckles and says:----

That's not so serious, Sister Bernadette. Say five Hail Mary's, five Our Fathers, and

then on your way to the altar do five cartwheels."

"THE MIRROR"

A woman brought a mirror from an antique shop, took it home and hung it on the back of

bedroom door,and when undressing that night, looked in the mirror and jokingly said:---

"Mirror,mirror, on the door, make my bust-line forty-four."

Instantly there was a brilliantflash,and her breasts were suddenly an enormous size.

her husband had been laying in bed taking all this in, so he sprang out of bed and going to the

mirror said:---"Mirror, mirror, on the door, make my penis touch the floor."

Again, that bright flash, and------- Both his LEGSFELL OFF..

CAMPING OUT

.Sherlock Holmes and Dr.Watson were on a camping trip, and as they lay down this night,

Holmes asked Watson:---"When you look up into the sky, what do you see.?"

And Watson replied:---I see millions and millions of stars."Then Holmes asked."

"And what does that tell you..?

Watson replied:...."Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and

potentially billions of planets.

Theologically, it tells me that god is great,and that we are small and insignificant.

While Meteorologically it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

What does it tell you.?"And Holmes replied:----"That somebody stole our bloody tent.!!!!"

"BATH TIME"

There was a little boy and a little girl in the bath together. The girl was looking

between the boys legs and said:--"What'sthat.? can I touchit.?"Where upon the boy said:---

NOWAY !Youv'e already torn yours off !"

" THE PILBARA WANDERER"

2006-06-30T14:33:00.000+10:00

"RED DOG"

THE PILBARA WANDERER

The stories this old dog could tell,if only he could say.

Would add a page in history,forever and a day.

But still he will be remembered,by those who knew his way.

The Red Dog of the Pilbara from the north of

Western Australia.

DIED NOVEMBER 21st. 1979.

Erected ByThe Many Friends

Made During His Travels

OUR TRAVELOGUE

2006-06-29T18:42:00.000+10:00

This is a horse drawn tram which takes you from

a place called Victor Harbour to Granite Island

both are located inSouth Australia in australia;

I would like to share some of the beautiful sights

which we encounted on our trip in 2001

Wangi Falls N.T.Australia.

This is known as a Boab Tree it was once used to

house Aboriginal people prior to their final trip to town

The town was called Derby which is located in

Western Ausralia. in Australia.

This is Ben a six foot kangaroo on Kangaroo Island

located in South Australia in Australia.

INTRODUCING MY FAMILY

2006-06-24T17:25:00.000+10:00

This is only the start of the brood there is more to followNow dont get the wrong idea they are pop & granddaughter with greatgranddaughter

Same 70th Myself & daughterinlaw Trish

This is my eldest daughter Janine and her daughter Jess

My eldest son Gavin and his brother Drew at their fathers 70th.

Brag Time

2006-06-19T23:57:00.001+10:00

Hi to all you viewers
Most people have someone or something to brag about well i"m no different.
I had six children of which we rared five three boys & two girls.
I have twelve grandchildren, four stepgrandchildren, one greatgrandchild, and four stepgreatgrandchildren 21 in total.

First Post

2006-06-17T19:01:00.000+10:00

Hey Jen,

I've done it .. you kick started me. Here goes nothing.

Brian,

This is whats been happening today, while I've been away. Blame the computer wizards for time spent away. Still luvs ya !! On the way home with "Hot Chips" for dinner.